Momentarily Shipwrecked

I'm afraid I may be finding myself spiritually shipwrecked. I feel as though I'm caught, static, unmoving. I don't feel as though I am regressing; I don't believe I am sinking. But I'm halted. I'm stuck on an island and looking out at the ocean of spirituality around me and I long to journey out into it. My ship though seems to be stalled, stuck on something, and I'm too eager (or stubborn or in denial or selfish) to assess the problem and fix it. Instead, I dive back into the water, head first, energetic and I swim feverishly...but I tire quickly, and must return to my island.

I think part of the problem is that I don't actually have a ship yet. I've traveled this far in a boat. My boat served me well; it carried me deep into the waters of faith and righteousness, but because I desire to travel further and sail through harder winds, my boat is no longer sufficient. Nor can my boat carry much luggage, and certainly very few other passengers.

I've gotten this far and avoided regression, because I have other sailors around me, guiding me, giving me lifts and pushes and leadership, and they are still with me today. But to move forward and brave the deeper water, I must learn to build and man a larger ship.

So, how do I get a bigger boat?

I suppose I need something to build it out of. I need lumber and nails. I need more faith and more prayer.

Although I could list many factors possibly acting in my shipwreck, I think the core of it is my relentless yearning to know my place. My place in the Church; my station in God's army. Furthermore, I've come to identify my greatest enemy as my pride, and closely related to that, my selfishness and envy. I look around and see people that seem so righteous, who have been living the good life all of their lives, and I have only so recently even climbed into my boat. And I am caught with jealousy that they have served so long, and I am embarrassed to offer myself and my piddly servant-hood to God. What use is it when there are these other, glorious servants? I do not fit into their group. I'm a big eyed outsider longing to take part. To overcome this insecurity I grasp at possibilities for how I might bring something to God's church. I dive in and swim without direction, and am upset and discouraged when my haste makes waste.

I feel so limited; limited in so many ways. I read about the gifts, about teachers teaching and prophets prophesying. But I cannot prophesy, and I have not been given the gift of exhortation. Based on my previous post, you'll know I can barely bring up scripture without red eyes. I am not particularly brave, and I don't know my bible very well (yet!). I've tried looking around at others, what their more subtle gifts are. I watch the women, and many seem to just emanate goodness; like a gift from God. But surely I don't have that; I was baptized barely 6 months ago. We list often the different ways a person might share Christ through small things, and I agree wholly with every word, but certainly that isn't me. I can't see my light shining through that...

And therein, friends, lies the problem. I do not pick my gift. I do not pick the way God wants me to serve Him. But I'm so restless, I'm so impatient. I don't want to wait, I want to improve the lives of my beloved, my friends, my family, my neighbors right now. I want to leave them full of Christ.

But I am still in a very little boat, caught on an island. I cannot carry all these people in this little boat, and I won't get a ship until I quit wanting wanting wanting, and start willingly waiting with my hands open and upward. The tools were certainly fall into my palms, in their time.