First, a hopefully helpful but absolutely necessary comment on taking verses out of context:
If you want to develop your understanding of a Christian life, you need to bring the whole bible into discussion, not 0.05% of it.
You can't understand calculus if you leave out algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems to me one of greatest stumbling blocks in Christianity is the idea of authority; women are not to be in positions of ultimate authority within the church, and women are told to submit to their husbands. We struggle with this. Why aren't women and men exactly the same? Why don't they do at all times and all places the exact same thing? The obvious answer for that is, well, they aren't exactly the same. This is easiest to perceive in our physiology; although we have many, many similarities because we are both humans, we still have different parts which have different functions. This tangible, irrefutable difference is easily and openly accepted, and I at least don't regularly hear anyone arguing that women are superior or inferior because they are the ones to carry the baby for 9 months. We don't debate it. It is what it is.
Move over to the intangible and we are not so okay with the idea of differences. Why is that? We all accept that there are women and there are men, right? We accept they have fundamentally different roles in certain physical processes, right? Is it so hard to believe that they have different roles spiritually? It's okay to want to be equal, because we are; we are all one in Christ (Galatians 3:28). But, don't kid yourself, women and men are different. Mull that over a while if you still struggle with it.
Please remember the above point: strip away culture, strip away tradition, strip away in some cases a history of ruthless suppression, and you STILL HAVE fundamental differences between women and men. Societies may have abused women, but it didn't create them. Women and men are different no matter what culture has to say about it. Do you accept this point? That regardless of all of the good and bad cultural overlay, women and men are different? Recognizing and distinguishing that there are two sexes doesn't make you OR the bible sexist.
Now that we've set the table, let's lay out the meat. Just as women and men were created with certain different physical roles, they have different spiritual roles as well. In the garden before the fall, God made Adam and gave him commands; then, He made Eve. Adam was to share God's role for him with Eve, and Eve was to help Adam fulfill God's commands to shepherd all living things and their lives together would glorify God. Thus: Eve was subject to Adam; she helped him carry out the command given him by God. That isn't a bad thing! In fact, Adam wasn't adequate, he wasn't "good", without Eve! And that's the relationship that is to be reflected in our marriages today: both persons seeking the will of the Lord. Unfortunately, because of the fall, this by default has to look differently than it did in the garden because all things have been distorted by sin, but we are to strive for righteousness nonetheless. This means worshiping and serving the Lord as close to the manner that was in Eden as we can, and how we do that is laid out in the bible, for example, in the popularly misinterpreted Ephesians.
If you examine a Christian marriage (that is, one where both people are striving for righteousness; not where one or both may or may not occasionally sit in a pew), it's a complete partnership - it is one-ship. The idea of one member ruling over the other is beyond comprehension, because in such a relationship both people view their spouse as part of themselves - they are one being. How does such a marriage come into existence and then persist in this perverse world? It happens when people stop being obsessed with themselves and look together to the Lord.
If you or someone you know has experienced oppression or abuse, and even if they experienced it under the facade of "Christian teaching", it wasn't Christian! People are flawed and can do horrendously wrong things, I will be the first to agree with you on that and will never try to excuse bad/horrible behavior. But God's word and God's will (not to be confused with our attempt at carrying it out) are perfect. Don't judge Him on what we, even and especially Christians, as humans do; that's just a foolish argument. Would you judge Mozart as a failure if you heard his symphonies played by untrained 5th graders? Don't judge the Lord based on humankind's iniquities.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Women's Roles in the church
Until recently, the most boat-rocking experience I had encountered in my life as a Christian was when I stumbled over women's roles in the church. The distinctions (which I may have previously inappropriately dubbed "limitations") hit me like a solid blow to the chest. I was not used to being told I couldn't do something because I was a woman, and definitely not by people who I thought loved me. In my head the roles of men and women translated into the distaste and disinterest of the church in my faith. They didn't care about what I had to offer, and didn't want me to be active in church life.
Confused by the unfathomable amount of love I felt coming from the same group of people who seemed to be smothering and diminishing my worth, I put myself into a tizzy. Upset and discouraged, I dove into the scriptures and sought advice from people I trusted. Okay okay, first I lost my grip and had to be gently but firmly brought back to reality by someone wise beyond his years and loving beyond my ability to comprehend. Additionally, I prayed and prayed.
I never came to an "A-ha!" moment, but I did find some peace. I believe with all my heart that the words of the scriptures are right and true, and to the best of my ability I am determined not to warp them to my wishes or to support my desires. With that as my foundation, there are enough passages in scripture to confirm that there are things women do that men do not, and there are things that men do that women do not do. End of story.
The fudgey part is in the details... that's why I said I have found some peace. If one were to ask me to give definitively what a woman should and should not do, my answer would have clear and murky points, and almost all of them would be feebly supported. I feel that women are not meant to be in complete authority, as is said in 1 Tim 2:11-12, but I don't listen at all to the need to keep my head covered. Why don't I listen to that last part? Ask me in a few months. I'm currently reading the whole bible, and am praying for peace on the matter to come in time. For now, the best I can say is that people I trust as God loving and fearing men and women also don't heed the head covering passage, so, neither do I.
The pain caused by the topic of roles was compounded by my then growing desire to share my faith with the church. Regularly I sat and listened to the testimony of others and was moved and motivated by their words. Desperately I wanted to return the favor by offering my own testimony, fueled by my ever increasing passion for God. As a new believer, the furnace in my heart was ablaze and I longed to yell it from the mountain tops and edify the men and women who had already done so much to edify me.
But then I found out I couldn't. I couldn't get up in front of the church and tell them about how Jesus touched my life, about the role He plays and the glory of God. The one major yearning in my heart... and I was forbidden from it...
Stop.
That's where I got it all wrong. No one was cutting my vocal chords. No one was turning their head and refusing to listen. It is true, I had felt an overwhelming desire to sing and preach, and in truth, I still do. But when I found out I couldn't do it in the very specific way I wanted, I grew angry and developed tunnel vision. If I couldn't preach... I couldn't do anything! There wouldn't be any way to edify the church! There wouldn't be any way for me to be a functioning member of the body!
Oh, praise the Lord that I have overcome that. It was a dark place in my head at those times. Dark and suffocating. But then, something happened and I was able to realize there are so many roles in the church, and all of them so powerful and crucial. In fact, some of the most profound influences that acted on me were the behind the scenes and under the surface goodness, gentleness and service shown to me by... women! Godly, amazing women. If I could follow their lead and touch even just one life as these women have touched mine, I would feel like I have pleased the Lord.
The moral of this blog goes like this:
I don't know what the precise roles of women are, but I do understand that women and men were created with distinct roles because, well, some people are women and some people are men. If there wasn't a reason for both of us, we wouldn't have both been made in Eden. As a woman, I feel called to share with others, and though I haven't found precisely the way I am best suited to do this, I am open to whatever method the Lord has for me, and am at peace that I was not made for ultimate authority. Even more so, I have come to realize that Godly women are such beautiful creatures that we often barely see them at work, more commonly we just enjoy and are blessed by them long before realizing their service.
If that is the woman God has called me to be, that would be fine with me. In fact, I would say Praise the Lord.
Confused by the unfathomable amount of love I felt coming from the same group of people who seemed to be smothering and diminishing my worth, I put myself into a tizzy. Upset and discouraged, I dove into the scriptures and sought advice from people I trusted. Okay okay, first I lost my grip and had to be gently but firmly brought back to reality by someone wise beyond his years and loving beyond my ability to comprehend. Additionally, I prayed and prayed.
I never came to an "A-ha!" moment, but I did find some peace. I believe with all my heart that the words of the scriptures are right and true, and to the best of my ability I am determined not to warp them to my wishes or to support my desires. With that as my foundation, there are enough passages in scripture to confirm that there are things women do that men do not, and there are things that men do that women do not do. End of story.
The fudgey part is in the details... that's why I said I have found some peace. If one were to ask me to give definitively what a woman should and should not do, my answer would have clear and murky points, and almost all of them would be feebly supported. I feel that women are not meant to be in complete authority, as is said in 1 Tim 2:11-12, but I don't listen at all to the need to keep my head covered. Why don't I listen to that last part? Ask me in a few months. I'm currently reading the whole bible, and am praying for peace on the matter to come in time. For now, the best I can say is that people I trust as God loving and fearing men and women also don't heed the head covering passage, so, neither do I.
The pain caused by the topic of roles was compounded by my then growing desire to share my faith with the church. Regularly I sat and listened to the testimony of others and was moved and motivated by their words. Desperately I wanted to return the favor by offering my own testimony, fueled by my ever increasing passion for God. As a new believer, the furnace in my heart was ablaze and I longed to yell it from the mountain tops and edify the men and women who had already done so much to edify me.
But then I found out I couldn't. I couldn't get up in front of the church and tell them about how Jesus touched my life, about the role He plays and the glory of God. The one major yearning in my heart... and I was forbidden from it...
Stop.
That's where I got it all wrong. No one was cutting my vocal chords. No one was turning their head and refusing to listen. It is true, I had felt an overwhelming desire to sing and preach, and in truth, I still do. But when I found out I couldn't do it in the very specific way I wanted, I grew angry and developed tunnel vision. If I couldn't preach... I couldn't do anything! There wouldn't be any way to edify the church! There wouldn't be any way for me to be a functioning member of the body!
Oh, praise the Lord that I have overcome that. It was a dark place in my head at those times. Dark and suffocating. But then, something happened and I was able to realize there are so many roles in the church, and all of them so powerful and crucial. In fact, some of the most profound influences that acted on me were the behind the scenes and under the surface goodness, gentleness and service shown to me by... women! Godly, amazing women. If I could follow their lead and touch even just one life as these women have touched mine, I would feel like I have pleased the Lord.
The moral of this blog goes like this:
I don't know what the precise roles of women are, but I do understand that women and men were created with distinct roles because, well, some people are women and some people are men. If there wasn't a reason for both of us, we wouldn't have both been made in Eden. As a woman, I feel called to share with others, and though I haven't found precisely the way I am best suited to do this, I am open to whatever method the Lord has for me, and am at peace that I was not made for ultimate authority. Even more so, I have come to realize that Godly women are such beautiful creatures that we often barely see them at work, more commonly we just enjoy and are blessed by them long before realizing their service.
If that is the woman God has called me to be, that would be fine with me. In fact, I would say Praise the Lord.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Our Home
I think one of the best features of our apartment is the window arrangement. Both our bedroom and living room are flooded with natural light from morning until late afternoon. It does amazing things for my mood and it makes our cozy home all the happier. Since moving in during Sept 2011, we have slowly but surely been filling this sunny space with treasures found for free. Wire racks, book cases, seat and ottoman, wicker chair and couch; we've collected a small house-full. Additionally, I've been ever so gradually personalizing the space with crafts of my own. I have a habit of going into hobby and art stores and refusing to buy things because I think "I could make that".
For instance, I really like the words on the wall idea you see at some craft stores, so I made my own. These were inspired by the bridal march at our wedding: "It's Real Love" by Regina Spektor. Additionally, one of the envelopes from our wedding had a beautifully drawn heart made from our names, so I drew a flower containing our wedding anniversary and used the drawings to complete a frame of wedding pictures.
I find bible verses rejuvenating, emboldening, sometimes convicting, and in every way just great to have around, so I filled up another frame with daisies (yes, more flowers) and some favorite verses. I plan to draw up more verses that I can swap in and out of the frame depending on what's happening in my life and what words of God's are most poignant to that period.
Finally, I'm attempting to give up buying greeting cards. I really enjoy greeting cards. I think they can be very pretty and uplifting and I greatly enjoy giving them to people. To me, the moment (or hopefully more) of joy that overcomes someone when they open a nice card is worth the money or the effort that goes into them. Recently I've noticed that the cards I am most drawn to are actually quite simple designs. So... I've decided to try my hand at my own.
For instance, I really like the words on the wall idea you see at some craft stores, so I made my own. These were inspired by the bridal march at our wedding: "It's Real Love" by Regina Spektor. Additionally, one of the envelopes from our wedding had a beautifully drawn heart made from our names, so I drew a flower containing our wedding anniversary and used the drawings to complete a frame of wedding pictures.
I find bible verses rejuvenating, emboldening, sometimes convicting, and in every way just great to have around, so I filled up another frame with daisies (yes, more flowers) and some favorite verses. I plan to draw up more verses that I can swap in and out of the frame depending on what's happening in my life and what words of God's are most poignant to that period.
Finally, I'm attempting to give up buying greeting cards. I really enjoy greeting cards. I think they can be very pretty and uplifting and I greatly enjoy giving them to people. To me, the moment (or hopefully more) of joy that overcomes someone when they open a nice card is worth the money or the effort that goes into them. Recently I've noticed that the cards I am most drawn to are actually quite simple designs. So... I've decided to try my hand at my own.
Friday, November 11, 2011
The most precious gems
A quick review:
Since May I have graduated from college, been engaged, married, visited Europe and moved across the country. I know live in New England with my wonderful husband, Adam. Currently I am applying to graduate schools with the hope of beginning studies next fall. I'm interested in molecular and cellular biology programs, just like that husband of mine. During this off year I am also working part time as a tutor and dog walker; I enjoy both very much.
I told my husband recently that every time I attend church or read from the bible or some other Christian writing, I walk away with a new idea or understanding about life and Christ. It’s like I’m constantly collecting little gems radiant with color and energy and with each one I collect I want to shine it and explore it’s endless facets. As I continue to collect them, I realize the light they give off creates a picture, which ever so slightly allows a glimpse of the truth in life. If there has ever been something addicting, something exciting, something electrifying, something that makes complete and utter sense, what this picture shows you is it. For example, you might stumble upon the gem that when you pray in Christ’s name, you can move mountains. Maybe you go home and try it and a mountain in your life is thrown into the sea. Splash. How can you take your eyes off of that gem now? I imagine, in this little picture I’m developing in my mind, your eyes would grow large as you stare in disbelief and astonishment at the power of this tiny gem that’s been freely set into your hands. Delicately you place it before you and it gives off that glowing ray of light in which you see is Goodness, Righteousness, Truth, shining through from heaven into this dark world.
We cannot know heaven before we reach it. We can't. It is so beyond human comprehension. These gems we collect, they help us take a tiny peak at what perfect life with God is like. I am also confident that once you collect just one, you won't be able to ever look away. It's so profound, it is nearly impossible.
Since May I have graduated from college, been engaged, married, visited Europe and moved across the country. I know live in New England with my wonderful husband, Adam. Currently I am applying to graduate schools with the hope of beginning studies next fall. I'm interested in molecular and cellular biology programs, just like that husband of mine. During this off year I am also working part time as a tutor and dog walker; I enjoy both very much.
I told my husband recently that every time I attend church or read from the bible or some other Christian writing, I walk away with a new idea or understanding about life and Christ. It’s like I’m constantly collecting little gems radiant with color and energy and with each one I collect I want to shine it and explore it’s endless facets. As I continue to collect them, I realize the light they give off creates a picture, which ever so slightly allows a glimpse of the truth in life. If there has ever been something addicting, something exciting, something electrifying, something that makes complete and utter sense, what this picture shows you is it. For example, you might stumble upon the gem that when you pray in Christ’s name, you can move mountains. Maybe you go home and try it and a mountain in your life is thrown into the sea. Splash. How can you take your eyes off of that gem now? I imagine, in this little picture I’m developing in my mind, your eyes would grow large as you stare in disbelief and astonishment at the power of this tiny gem that’s been freely set into your hands. Delicately you place it before you and it gives off that glowing ray of light in which you see is Goodness, Righteousness, Truth, shining through from heaven into this dark world.
We cannot know heaven before we reach it. We can't. It is so beyond human comprehension. These gems we collect, they help us take a tiny peak at what perfect life with God is like. I am also confident that once you collect just one, you won't be able to ever look away. It's so profound, it is nearly impossible.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Momentarily Shipwrecked
I'm afraid I may be finding myself spiritually shipwrecked. I feel as though I'm caught, static, unmoving. I don't feel as though I am regressing; I don't believe I am sinking. But I'm halted. I'm stuck on an island and looking out at the ocean of spirituality around me and I long to journey out into it. My ship though seems to be stalled, stuck on something, and I'm too eager (or stubborn or in denial or selfish) to assess the problem and fix it. Instead, I dive back into the water, head first, energetic and I swim feverishly...but I tire quickly, and must return to my island.
I think part of the problem is that I don't actually have a ship yet. I've traveled this far in a boat. My boat served me well; it carried me deep into the waters of faith and righteousness, but because I desire to travel further and sail through harder winds, my boat is no longer sufficient. Nor can my boat carry much luggage, and certainly very few other passengers.
I've gotten this far and avoided regression, because I have other sailors around me, guiding me, giving me lifts and pushes and leadership, and they are still with me today. But to move forward and brave the deeper water, I must learn to build and man a larger ship.
So, how do I get a bigger boat?
I suppose I need something to build it out of. I need lumber and nails. I need more faith and more prayer.
Although I could list many factors possibly acting in my shipwreck, I think the core of it is my relentless yearning to know my place. My place in the Church; my station in God's army. Furthermore, I've come to identify my greatest enemy as my pride, and closely related to that, my selfishness and envy. I look around and see people that seem so righteous, who have been living the good life all of their lives, and I have only so recently even climbed into my boat. And I am caught with jealousy that they have served so long, and I am embarrassed to offer myself and my piddly servant-hood to God. What use is it when there are these other, glorious servants? I do not fit into their group. I'm a big eyed outsider longing to take part. To overcome this insecurity I grasp at possibilities for how I might bring something to God's church. I dive in and swim without direction, and am upset and discouraged when my haste makes waste.
I feel so limited; limited in so many ways. I read about the gifts, about teachers teaching and prophets prophesying. But I cannot prophesy, and I have not been given the gift of exhortation. Based on my previous post, you'll know I can barely bring up scripture without red eyes. I am not particularly brave, and I don't know my bible very well (yet!). I've tried looking around at others, what their more subtle gifts are. I watch the women, and many seem to just emanate goodness; like a gift from God. But surely I don't have that; I was baptized barely 6 months ago. We list often the different ways a person might share Christ through small things, and I agree wholly with every word, but certainly that isn't me. I can't see my light shining through that...
And therein, friends, lies the problem. I do not pick my gift. I do not pick the way God wants me to serve Him. But I'm so restless, I'm so impatient. I don't want to wait, I want to improve the lives of my beloved, my friends, my family, my neighbors right now. I want to leave them full of Christ.
But I am still in a very little boat, caught on an island. I cannot carry all these people in this little boat, and I won't get a ship until I quit wanting wanting wanting, and start willingly waiting with my hands open and upward. The tools were certainly fall into my palms, in their time.
I think part of the problem is that I don't actually have a ship yet. I've traveled this far in a boat. My boat served me well; it carried me deep into the waters of faith and righteousness, but because I desire to travel further and sail through harder winds, my boat is no longer sufficient. Nor can my boat carry much luggage, and certainly very few other passengers.
I've gotten this far and avoided regression, because I have other sailors around me, guiding me, giving me lifts and pushes and leadership, and they are still with me today. But to move forward and brave the deeper water, I must learn to build and man a larger ship.
So, how do I get a bigger boat?
I suppose I need something to build it out of. I need lumber and nails. I need more faith and more prayer.
Although I could list many factors possibly acting in my shipwreck, I think the core of it is my relentless yearning to know my place. My place in the Church; my station in God's army. Furthermore, I've come to identify my greatest enemy as my pride, and closely related to that, my selfishness and envy. I look around and see people that seem so righteous, who have been living the good life all of their lives, and I have only so recently even climbed into my boat. And I am caught with jealousy that they have served so long, and I am embarrassed to offer myself and my piddly servant-hood to God. What use is it when there are these other, glorious servants? I do not fit into their group. I'm a big eyed outsider longing to take part. To overcome this insecurity I grasp at possibilities for how I might bring something to God's church. I dive in and swim without direction, and am upset and discouraged when my haste makes waste.
I feel so limited; limited in so many ways. I read about the gifts, about teachers teaching and prophets prophesying. But I cannot prophesy, and I have not been given the gift of exhortation. Based on my previous post, you'll know I can barely bring up scripture without red eyes. I am not particularly brave, and I don't know my bible very well (yet!). I've tried looking around at others, what their more subtle gifts are. I watch the women, and many seem to just emanate goodness; like a gift from God. But surely I don't have that; I was baptized barely 6 months ago. We list often the different ways a person might share Christ through small things, and I agree wholly with every word, but certainly that isn't me. I can't see my light shining through that...
And therein, friends, lies the problem. I do not pick my gift. I do not pick the way God wants me to serve Him. But I'm so restless, I'm so impatient. I don't want to wait, I want to improve the lives of my beloved, my friends, my family, my neighbors right now. I want to leave them full of Christ.
But I am still in a very little boat, caught on an island. I cannot carry all these people in this little boat, and I won't get a ship until I quit wanting wanting wanting, and start willingly waiting with my hands open and upward. The tools were certainly fall into my palms, in their time.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Love brings tears
Come in closely, friend, and I'll tell you a secret.
I have a hard time talking about God and not crying.
Ever sense I truly came to know him, I've developed into a rather lachrymose person. I'm not saying I bawl or sob, but tears almost always well behind my eyes and often trickle out, dependent on just how long I'm talking.
It seems to occur much regardless of topic. I'm not downhearted or morose; it happens when I offer prayers of thanks and jubilation, and even when I simply discuss a question over scripture. It is almost exclusively provoked, though, when it is me to speak. It is much rarer for me to be moved to tears from simply listening (but on those occasions, I must say they are beautiful, and I welcome them 10 times daily if I have the chance).
It's something like this...
I was reading this verse _____ the other day, and it had this effect on me. Have you ever thought about it that way. Do you think that was the intention?
And wah-lah, the back of my eyes are burning.
I'm not speaking to the crowd, I can be speaking to my fiance, who I trust with every part of me, including my insecurities. So why do I feel this warmth behind my eyes when I discuss this parable?
I think, my friends, it is because I am discussing something that I love so intensely but with a love that I do not fully understand. With a love that I have not grown accustomed to, and hope I never do. With a love that I know I do not deserve to be loved back with, but yet I am, and perfectly. I am loved back so completely, I can feel it on me as I speak about it; I can feel it surrounding me as I share a little about it with my neighbor. It fills my heart and my heart overflows to the space behind my eyes where it finds a way to fall out onto my cheeks.
I do not wish this to ever fall away, to ever disappear. My tears are the realization that I have the pleasure, the honor, the magnificent blessing, to talk about this perfect, gracious love. Who am I to be given that chance? And yet, it has been given to me. And I am so thankful, so humbled, that I cry.
Although I do hope to subdue this reaction to a point that I might carry out long discussions on any righteous topic without needing (too many) tissues, I hope never to become completely dry eyed. That, I think, would be a sad day.
I have a hard time talking about God and not crying.
Ever sense I truly came to know him, I've developed into a rather lachrymose person. I'm not saying I bawl or sob, but tears almost always well behind my eyes and often trickle out, dependent on just how long I'm talking.
It seems to occur much regardless of topic. I'm not downhearted or morose; it happens when I offer prayers of thanks and jubilation, and even when I simply discuss a question over scripture. It is almost exclusively provoked, though, when it is me to speak. It is much rarer for me to be moved to tears from simply listening (but on those occasions, I must say they are beautiful, and I welcome them 10 times daily if I have the chance).
It's something like this...
I was reading this verse _____ the other day, and it had this effect on me. Have you ever thought about it that way. Do you think that was the intention?
And wah-lah, the back of my eyes are burning.
I'm not speaking to the crowd, I can be speaking to my fiance, who I trust with every part of me, including my insecurities. So why do I feel this warmth behind my eyes when I discuss this parable?
I think, my friends, it is because I am discussing something that I love so intensely but with a love that I do not fully understand. With a love that I have not grown accustomed to, and hope I never do. With a love that I know I do not deserve to be loved back with, but yet I am, and perfectly. I am loved back so completely, I can feel it on me as I speak about it; I can feel it surrounding me as I share a little about it with my neighbor. It fills my heart and my heart overflows to the space behind my eyes where it finds a way to fall out onto my cheeks.
I do not wish this to ever fall away, to ever disappear. My tears are the realization that I have the pleasure, the honor, the magnificent blessing, to talk about this perfect, gracious love. Who am I to be given that chance? And yet, it has been given to me. And I am so thankful, so humbled, that I cry.
Although I do hope to subdue this reaction to a point that I might carry out long discussions on any righteous topic without needing (too many) tissues, I hope never to become completely dry eyed. That, I think, would be a sad day.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
A baby step to boldness
God smiled upon me today. He saw my need; He saw my outstretched hand. But He didn't just fulfill the minimum, He didn't just get me by.
He took me up into His arms and held me today.
I've been contemplating my role recently; seeking to find my place in God's family, my station in His army. Daily I am positively affected and moved by those around me. Their actions, their words, their inescapable beauty and the radiance of their spirit. They don't even seem to try; they just glow. But, I then think, what's my role? Where is my voice, my boldness.... where is my light? On some days I truly do just contemplate and trust God that my light is there. But on other days I lose faith. I become frightened and lose self-esteem because I know my voice doesn't affect change like others'. Because my lips don't produce the powerful movement of soul that others instill in me. I still struggle with bible basics. What can I bring to anyone's table? It's not that I want to wow or stun with my stories and diction, I just yearn to support Christ's church. I long to give back to the unending love and grace that it has handed freely to me.
Last night, there was no more uncertainty. I knew God was calling me to a task. I won't belabor the point or drag out the details. Basically, I'd been avoiding it, and finally I could avoid it no more. I was still scared and nervous and basically without any game plan, but, that just wasn't going to be enough to stop me anymore. God said: Do this. Finally I said: Yes.
All I want to do with this blog is say, Thank you Father, for your forgiveness, your patience and your guidance.
Am I suddenly bold and fearless? Uh... NO! In truth, little has yet been revealed to me that answers the questions I posed at the beginning of this blog, but I'm willing to be more trusting of Him and His plan and place for me, and I'm again reassured by His perfect grace at my times of despair and need. I've been tormented by this for so long, and once I finally gave in He immediately held me, He guided me. He lifted my heart that I might breathe a little better and take another baby step forward in my walk with Him.
Why, why do I fight Him?
May all of you find refuge in His arms.
:)
He took me up into His arms and held me today.
I've been contemplating my role recently; seeking to find my place in God's family, my station in His army. Daily I am positively affected and moved by those around me. Their actions, their words, their inescapable beauty and the radiance of their spirit. They don't even seem to try; they just glow. But, I then think, what's my role? Where is my voice, my boldness.... where is my light? On some days I truly do just contemplate and trust God that my light is there. But on other days I lose faith. I become frightened and lose self-esteem because I know my voice doesn't affect change like others'. Because my lips don't produce the powerful movement of soul that others instill in me. I still struggle with bible basics. What can I bring to anyone's table? It's not that I want to wow or stun with my stories and diction, I just yearn to support Christ's church. I long to give back to the unending love and grace that it has handed freely to me.
Last night, there was no more uncertainty. I knew God was calling me to a task. I won't belabor the point or drag out the details. Basically, I'd been avoiding it, and finally I could avoid it no more. I was still scared and nervous and basically without any game plan, but, that just wasn't going to be enough to stop me anymore. God said: Do this. Finally I said: Yes.
All I want to do with this blog is say, Thank you Father, for your forgiveness, your patience and your guidance.
Am I suddenly bold and fearless? Uh... NO! In truth, little has yet been revealed to me that answers the questions I posed at the beginning of this blog, but I'm willing to be more trusting of Him and His plan and place for me, and I'm again reassured by His perfect grace at my times of despair and need. I've been tormented by this for so long, and once I finally gave in He immediately held me, He guided me. He lifted my heart that I might breathe a little better and take another baby step forward in my walk with Him.
Why, why do I fight Him?
May all of you find refuge in His arms.
:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
