The most precious gems

A quick review:
Since May I have graduated from college, been engaged, married, visited Europe and moved across the country. I know live in New England with my wonderful husband, Adam. Currently I am applying to graduate schools with the hope of beginning studies next fall. I'm interested in molecular and cellular biology programs, just like that husband of mine. During this off year I am also working part time as a tutor and dog walker; I enjoy both very much.

I told my husband recently that every time I attend church or read from the bible or some other Christian writing, I walk away with a new idea or understanding about life and Christ. It’s like I’m constantly collecting little gems radiant with color and energy and with each one I collect I want to shine it and explore it’s endless facets. As I continue to collect them, I realize the light they give off creates a picture, which ever so slightly allows a glimpse of the truth in life. If there has ever been something addicting, something exciting, something electrifying, something that makes complete and utter sense, what this picture shows you is it. For example, you might stumble upon the gem that when you pray in Christ’s name, you can move mountains. Maybe you go home and try it and a mountain in your life is thrown into the sea. Splash. How can you take your eyes off of that gem now? I imagine, in this little picture I’m developing in my mind, your eyes would grow large as you stare in disbelief and astonishment at the power of this tiny gem that’s been freely set into your hands. Delicately you place it before you and it gives off that glowing ray of light in which you see is Goodness, Righteousness, Truth, shining through from heaven into this dark world.

Each gem can shine because the holder believes and lives in the way that the gem teaches them to. Christ left behind endless gems for us to collect and the bible overflows with them, but they cannot truly shine until we bring them out and allow them to radiate through our lives. You don't have to be a Pastor or a great theologian to share them. By cherishing them yourself, you begin to give off the same sort of shine that they do. Unknowingly you radiate joy, peace, compassion and love onto those around you.
We cannot know heaven before we reach it. We can't. It is so beyond human comprehension. These gems we collect, they help us take a tiny peak at what perfect life with God is like. I am also confident that once you collect just one, you won't be able to ever look away. It's so profound, it is nearly impossible.

The room for gems in my life is without bound. You might say I crave them. I look forward to bible studies and church services, reading the bible and other Christian works, and seeking God's guidance in gathering them into my life while shining and sharing those I already have. No matter where you are as a Christian, and even as a non-believer, if you approach God with an open heart, you will find these gems. On this earth you can never hold them all, and it will always be worth your time to look for more.

Momentarily Shipwrecked

I'm afraid I may be finding myself spiritually shipwrecked. I feel as though I'm caught, static, unmoving. I don't feel as though I am regressing; I don't believe I am sinking. But I'm halted. I'm stuck on an island and looking out at the ocean of spirituality around me and I long to journey out into it. My ship though seems to be stalled, stuck on something, and I'm too eager (or stubborn or in denial or selfish) to assess the problem and fix it. Instead, I dive back into the water, head first, energetic and I swim feverishly...but I tire quickly, and must return to my island.

I think part of the problem is that I don't actually have a ship yet. I've traveled this far in a boat. My boat served me well; it carried me deep into the waters of faith and righteousness, but because I desire to travel further and sail through harder winds, my boat is no longer sufficient. Nor can my boat carry much luggage, and certainly very few other passengers.

I've gotten this far and avoided regression, because I have other sailors around me, guiding me, giving me lifts and pushes and leadership, and they are still with me today. But to move forward and brave the deeper water, I must learn to build and man a larger ship.

So, how do I get a bigger boat?

I suppose I need something to build it out of. I need lumber and nails. I need more faith and more prayer.

Although I could list many factors possibly acting in my shipwreck, I think the core of it is my relentless yearning to know my place. My place in the Church; my station in God's army. Furthermore, I've come to identify my greatest enemy as my pride, and closely related to that, my selfishness and envy. I look around and see people that seem so righteous, who have been living the good life all of their lives, and I have only so recently even climbed into my boat. And I am caught with jealousy that they have served so long, and I am embarrassed to offer myself and my piddly servant-hood to God. What use is it when there are these other, glorious servants? I do not fit into their group. I'm a big eyed outsider longing to take part. To overcome this insecurity I grasp at possibilities for how I might bring something to God's church. I dive in and swim without direction, and am upset and discouraged when my haste makes waste.

I feel so limited; limited in so many ways. I read about the gifts, about teachers teaching and prophets prophesying. But I cannot prophesy, and I have not been given the gift of exhortation. Based on my previous post, you'll know I can barely bring up scripture without red eyes. I am not particularly brave, and I don't know my bible very well (yet!). I've tried looking around at others, what their more subtle gifts are. I watch the women, and many seem to just emanate goodness; like a gift from God. But surely I don't have that; I was baptized barely 6 months ago. We list often the different ways a person might share Christ through small things, and I agree wholly with every word, but certainly that isn't me. I can't see my light shining through that...

And therein, friends, lies the problem. I do not pick my gift. I do not pick the way God wants me to serve Him. But I'm so restless, I'm so impatient. I don't want to wait, I want to improve the lives of my beloved, my friends, my family, my neighbors right now. I want to leave them full of Christ.

But I am still in a very little boat, caught on an island. I cannot carry all these people in this little boat, and I won't get a ship until I quit wanting wanting wanting, and start willingly waiting with my hands open and upward. The tools were certainly fall into my palms, in their time.

Love brings tears

Come in closely, friend, and I'll tell you a secret.

I have a hard time talking about God and not crying.

Ever sense I truly came to know him, I've developed into a rather lachrymose person. I'm not saying I bawl or sob, but tears almost always well behind my eyes and often trickle out, dependent on just how long I'm talking.

It seems to occur much regardless of topic. I'm not downhearted or morose; it happens when I offer prayers of thanks and jubilation, and even when I simply discuss a question over scripture. It is almost exclusively provoked, though, when it is me to speak. It is much rarer for me to be moved to tears from simply listening (but on those occasions, I must say they are beautiful, and I welcome them 10 times daily if I have the chance).

It's something like this...
I was reading this verse _____ the other day, and it had this effect on me. Have you ever thought about it that way. Do you think that was the intention?
And wah-lah, the back of my eyes are burning.

I'm not speaking to the crowd, I can be speaking to my fiance, who I trust with every part of me, including my insecurities. So why do I feel this warmth behind my eyes when I discuss this parable?

I think, my friends, it is because I am discussing something that I love so intensely but with a love that I do not fully understand. With a love that I have not grown accustomed to, and hope I never do. With a love that I know I do not deserve to be loved back with, but yet I am, and perfectly. I am loved back so completely, I can feel it on me as I speak about it; I can feel it surrounding me as I share a little about it with my neighbor. It fills my heart and my heart overflows to the space behind my eyes where it finds a way to fall out onto my cheeks.

I do not wish this to ever fall away, to ever disappear. My tears are the realization that I have the pleasure, the honor, the magnificent blessing, to talk about this perfect, gracious love. Who am I to be given that chance? And yet, it has been given to me. And I am so thankful, so humbled, that I cry.

Although I do hope to subdue this reaction to a point that I might carry out long discussions on any righteous topic without needing (too many) tissues, I hope never to become completely dry eyed. That, I think, would be a sad day.

A baby step to boldness

God smiled upon me today. He saw my need; He saw my outstretched hand. But He didn't just fulfill the minimum, He didn't just get me by.

He took me up into His arms and held me today.

I've been contemplating my role recently; seeking to find my place in God's family, my station in His army. Daily I am positively affected and moved by those around me. Their actions, their words, their inescapable beauty and the radiance of their spirit. They don't even seem to try; they just glow. But, I then think, what's my role? Where is my voice, my boldness.... where is my light? On some days I truly do just contemplate and trust God that my light is there. But on other days I lose faith. I become frightened and lose self-esteem because I know my voice doesn't affect change like others'. Because my lips don't produce the powerful movement of soul that others instill in me. I still struggle with bible basics. What can I bring to anyone's table? It's not that I want to wow or stun with my stories and diction, I just yearn to support Christ's church. I long to give back to the unending love and grace that it has handed freely to me.

Last night, there was no more uncertainty. I knew God was calling me to a task. I won't belabor the point or drag out the details. Basically, I'd been avoiding it, and finally I could avoid it no more. I was still scared and nervous and basically without any game plan, but, that just wasn't going to be enough to stop me anymore. God said: Do this. Finally I said: Yes.

All I want to do with this blog is say, Thank you Father, for your forgiveness, your patience and your guidance.

Am I suddenly bold and fearless? Uh... NO! In truth, little has yet been revealed to me that answers the questions I posed at the beginning of this blog, but I'm willing to be more trusting of Him and His plan and place for me, and I'm again reassured by His perfect grace at my times of despair and need. I've been tormented by this for so long, and once I finally gave in He immediately held me, He guided me. He lifted my heart that I might breathe a little better and take another baby step forward in my walk with Him.

Why, why do I fight Him?

May all of you find refuge in His arms.
:)

A splendid revelation

A lot of small revelations, studies and readings have been building in my head and heart recently, and in truth, a few could have served as seeds for a blog all their own, but have yet to grow to into a mature post. Finally, after a few mergings and mixings, a blog post has arrived. The two core parts of which stem from my Monday night college women's bible study.

1. One night a few weeks ago, we were discussing the tendency to seek a human for solutions to problems before we seek God's own guidance. Or, perhaps God comes first when it is something fanciful that we want, a new car, a new house, a good grade, to win the game... but friends first when it's a relationship problem, unsureness over the future, work issues or the like. Why is that? How far does the pattern go? The girls around me admitted they had "that one friend" they always went to first, or even the groups of friends they confided in long before sharing desires and tribulations with God. The opportunity came for me to share, and I admitted I struggled less with going to a friend first, but admitted further it was for lack of "that friend", instead of rightful desire to seek God first. This realization bugged me, to say the least. I felt distant from God and ashamed that my first impulses weren't to go to Him. Some of the girls tried to assure me I was closer to right than they simply because I didn't run to a girlfriend to vent my feelings, but I knew the truth in my heart, and God did too (Hebrews 4:12). My trust in God to support me was just as lacking whether or not I dumped my trials on a human friend.

2. Generally, while winding down from our study, we go around the room to hear from each member of their current life trials and prayer concerns that we might support one another through the week. Recently, as I listened about ailing parents, fear of future plans, stress over tests, and struggling friendships, I found myself at a loss at what to share concern about. Now, I'm not trying to fool anyone; I've got stressors, I've got worries, I've got sick family members and struggling relationships, but at that moment, I was just hit with how fully, despite it all, I was blessed. I was really blown away in the moment and prayed immediately in my heart Thank you Lord, for my blessings. In fact, I was so moved by the power of it all, after study I drove myself out to an isolated area of country and sat in my car looking up and the stars and feeling God speak to me. Again, it wasn't that my life was/is void of problems and pains, but suddenly I could see God's blessings in all of them, and I realized over the evening how big the current stage in my life is, and what God is currently doing with me. He's calling me. He's talking to me and slowly, carefully, purposefully building our relationship.

All of this suddenly came together in a striking realization, God had brought me to this moment in life to concentrate on focusing on Him. Right here and now He has carefully allowed me to set many things aside and talk to Him, learn about Him, and bring myself closer to Him; He has brought special, wonderful people into my life to guide, support, and challenge me, to show me love and peace and faith... and it's working.

Now, I'm not trying to claim my life is just dandy, I've been struggling, I've been dissatisfied, I've been anxious. I've been struggling with trust, with faith in God's plan for my future; I've been anxious about my ability to make a good life from the one I have; I've been dissatisfied with the limited relationship I've allowed Christ to build with me so far. But all of this together has made me hungry, insatiable for stories of Christ and tales from the Bible. I'm excited for every Bible study and moved by every message. I'm not suffering; spiritually, I'm green and growing. I'm thirsty, but it's a good thirst, and I hope all the more I drink, that I never stop desiring more. It was weird, really, when the thought struck me. It wasn't so much as Hey, maybe God's doing this, but rather a plain realization that this is what is happening. Now, it could have been my mind had just successfully put 2 and 2 together to get 4... or maybe God just revealed the 4 to me and thus it was my core that knew it, not my brain. Regardless, I know that it is happening in me right now, and I'm excited, nervous and electric with joy that God loves me, that God loves all of us. Hearing God call, in the midst of my fear and anxiety over the present, past and future (of my spiritual life, not my school, work, etc life) is the most gracious, strengthening, magnificent, perfect gift, that only God is capable of giving, and which He so lovingly gives to us all.

Baptized

Oh internet world, where have I been? It's been eons! Or, perhaps at least a month. I don't aim to justify my absence, but I'll explain what filled it in the paragraphs to follow. I think you'll see I was at least up to something; something quite, QUITE good.

The last time I posted was a quick note that I had set the day for my baptism.
It's been done.

My day of new life was Thursday, February 3rd, 2011, and it was a great, great day. In fact, after setting the day on Sunday, my whole week was full of emotion and anticipation. The experience itself changed my life (saved it, to use the correct verb) and the moments around it will certainly be cherished all of my days. The air that night felt alive to me, electric, vibrating, and as I prepared to walk down and confess my sins during the invitation song (Are you washed in the blood, by the way) my chest swelled with love and truth like I've felt it swell before, when my heart is truly open to God. I received a blessed hug from a man who has played deep and positive role in my life, more so than he has any idea of, I am certain. I confessed Christ as Lord and Savior at the close of the song and was joined by another close, dear family member in Christ into a side room to prepare for my baptism. There, she looked at me and said "Dear, this is the best day of your life" to which I answered "I know". She hugged me tightly and reminded me that 10,000 angels would be singing in heaven the moment I entered the family. I again smiled. Anything more would have been a waterfall from my eyes.

God is good, friends.
God is faithful, true, and loving.
When I came up from the water, I could feel His arms pull me forth, pull me close, and celebrate that He had me.
I try to hug Him back, everyday, every moment. I slip, of course, or I grow distant, but I am confident that simply remembering that day, remembering that feeling, I will remember that God will never let me go. I am His forever.

I was greeted by my church family with literally, open arms. Words escaped me and I was unapologetically smiley. My boyfriend, a remarkable man and unparalleled influence of good in my life, awaited me near the front row, impatient to throw his arms around me and welcome me to his true family. Later he brought me pure white tulips that he'd successfully kept hidden despite my having been with him on arriving to the church. I cherish those tulips (present tense, because I still have most of them, dried and decorating my room). They represent so much to me, and always will. Yet more treasured, though, is the absence of the dark weight in my core, near my heart, that has been replaced by the grace of my Lord and Savior.

BAPTISM

Here it is! The moment we've been waiting for. Edit: the moment I have been waiting for. I will be baptized on February 3, 2011!

It was decided this Sunday; the time had just come. I could feel it, I knew it and I have SO much more to say on the matter...! I've been wanting to blog about it all week, but I've been so excited, everything that comes out from beneath my fingers and into the computer just doesn't catch everything that I'm feeling! The amount and emphasis and feeling available to express myself here is so limited by silly words and letters.

I will never be able to be perfect, but I'm willing to dedicate my life to striving for it.

--and this water symbolizes baptism that now saves you also—not the removal of dirt from the body but the pledge of a clear conscience toward God. It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus Christ
1 Peter 3:21

January Check-in

Hello Readership,

I haven't written in a long time. I apologize. Recently I've taken up reading the New Testament. I hope to finish it in about 5 months. It's amazing really, reading it. It's addictive, exciting, moving. When I read I keep a journal with me and take notes on things that confuse me, that I don't understand, that I find exceptionally powerful; really, just about anything. After reading Matthew, my notes were somewhat more overwhelming than I intended, but so be it. I've been fortunate on some days to read in the presence of someone knowledgeable in the bible and God's great love, who helps me explore deeper the truth I am reading, and it truly, truly is a blessing. I cannot tell you, although I hope you are all familiar with, what an immense feeling it is to open the Bible, read, and freely, openly, enthusiastically discuss it with another. It is one great thing to study openly in church, but to leave and find outside the church's walls other spirits as excited and curious as you by the Word... is regeneration for the heart impossible to replicate. At least, I feel it is so.

I'm drawing ever nearer to my baptism. It's a matter of days possibly, or perhaps a few weeks; I have personal issues I need to pray on as it nears. The closer it comes, the more the absolute, extreme, unyielding realization of my need for baptism grows and grows. In my heart, I desire above all else to be baptized into the Lord's great Church, and curl up in his arms and stay there forever. I am absolutely the definition of in no way worthy, but the Lord is faithful, and if I ask and believe, so shall I receive. So, Readership, if you are so inclined and willing, I am going to go ahead and ask for your prayers. Please pray for me, and pray for those in my life. Those who I have hurt, those who I have sinned against, and those to who I might someday be a source of light, like the multitude of Good people have been to me.