I've been spiritually tossing and turning all week and was struggling at heart in need for some renewal. Not in a familiar city, I spent Tuesday night reading from the gospels and scouring the yellow pages for churches of the area and looking them up online. Finally finding one that I really liked AND had service on Wednesdays, I attended... Glory to God in how He delivers precisely what we need!!
Last night, I drug my feet and brought my heavy, guilty heart into this church, and I tell you as I stood and sang the first hymn, the renewing power of worship flooded into my very soul and gave me new strength. No great sermon had been given, no moving prayer shared, I simply joined other children of Christ and sang "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" and I prayed in my heart glory glory glory and thank you God for our new born King.
The message did, in fact, turn out to be great and our study revolved primarily around Philippians 4. Was it written for me? I walked into that church with a knotted spirit and within minutes we read:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:6-7
Thank you, Lord.
We read: find whatever things are good and think about them! Think about what you have learned in God and put it into practice.
I heard: Meg, be strong in every situation, for you can do everything through Me.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. The peace of God, which goes beyond present, past and future, beyond economic, physical, romantic and emotional fear, God's peace transcends all. God's peace transcends my hurt and confusion and turmoil, transcends chaos and hate and war and gives strength, simply by rejoicing and following Him. Peace glows through all darkness because those seeking the light of Good will always find a ray, even if it emanates from the peace within themselves.
If you haven't read Philippians 4 recently, I recommend it to you now.
Peace be with you.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Keeping the gift unwrapped
Sometimes, in moments of struggle and personal turmoil, in my weakness I allow myself to slip into a feeling of isolation. I feel alone, helpless, lost spiritually. I realize that I am so, so far from perfect. I know my sins and count them and I resent the world around me. Then, I feel guilt for that resentment and my isolation spirals. The amount of time I allow these feelings to persist varies, but on the whole I realize my wrong quicker and quicker each time, and return swiftly to what I know will tell me the truth; I remember to Seek Him First.
Talking about perfection a few weeks ago, the study leader finished his exploration of the perfect with a simple thought: the perfect is perfecting towards perfection.
In my lack of understanding I was underwhelmed, he followed up his original sentence with an explanation: the perfect bible is perfecting us toward perfection, God and Son.
The bible and its lessons and words put me in my place every time, sometimes simply at the thought. I see its red cover and gold writing and know exactly what I am going to find, and the hopelessness around me shrinks. Who am I to think the world is so hard? To think I am so alone? I am so, so very far from alone. I am so far from helpless. I have asked Christ to accept me, forgive me, for salvation. And He has answered Yes. I do not have to earn Him by obtaining perfection, for in this I will never succeed. Jesus asks for nothing but to glorify Him, to follow His example, and Seek the Kingdom in all we do. Goodness, humility, benevolence, patience, belief, hope.
I can breathe again.
Christ, I can do that for you. I can Seek Your Kingdom. I can give my all in complete good conscience to following your lead.
I feel ashamed for letting my problems overcome me, as if somehow my sins couldn't be forgiven, somehow my load was too great to bear. Were those words in my head? No. But they were the subconscious thoughts that fueled my feeling of isolation; I had rewrapped the greatest gift of all and set it back under the tree.
With this gentle and giant revelation I am renewed to take on the world around me again, renewed to strive to be the good Christian I want to be, renewed with strength, patience, clarity and knowledge that Good always prevails. My problems still exist, life still goes on, but Love replaces fear.
Our Father gave us all the very first and most glorious Christmas gift, and it is given for eternity; let us all remember to keep it unwrapped and in use at all times.
Glory to God in the Highest Heaven, and peace on earth to all whom He favors.
Talking about perfection a few weeks ago, the study leader finished his exploration of the perfect with a simple thought: the perfect is perfecting towards perfection.
In my lack of understanding I was underwhelmed, he followed up his original sentence with an explanation: the perfect bible is perfecting us toward perfection, God and Son.
The bible and its lessons and words put me in my place every time, sometimes simply at the thought. I see its red cover and gold writing and know exactly what I am going to find, and the hopelessness around me shrinks. Who am I to think the world is so hard? To think I am so alone? I am so, so very far from alone. I am so far from helpless. I have asked Christ to accept me, forgive me, for salvation. And He has answered Yes. I do not have to earn Him by obtaining perfection, for in this I will never succeed. Jesus asks for nothing but to glorify Him, to follow His example, and Seek the Kingdom in all we do. Goodness, humility, benevolence, patience, belief, hope.
I can breathe again.
Christ, I can do that for you. I can Seek Your Kingdom. I can give my all in complete good conscience to following your lead.
I feel ashamed for letting my problems overcome me, as if somehow my sins couldn't be forgiven, somehow my load was too great to bear. Were those words in my head? No. But they were the subconscious thoughts that fueled my feeling of isolation; I had rewrapped the greatest gift of all and set it back under the tree.
With this gentle and giant revelation I am renewed to take on the world around me again, renewed to strive to be the good Christian I want to be, renewed with strength, patience, clarity and knowledge that Good always prevails. My problems still exist, life still goes on, but Love replaces fear.
Our Father gave us all the very first and most glorious Christmas gift, and it is given for eternity; let us all remember to keep it unwrapped and in use at all times.
Glory to God in the Highest Heaven, and peace on earth to all whom He favors.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Verses I pray on repeat
There are a sampling of verses that even at my lowest moments quickly set me straight, lift me up, and renew my spirit. They help me check my decisions and my heart, help give me strength when I'm down and trampled, and give me hope when everything seems dark. They are so consistently running through my mind it was only a matter of time before they ended up here, shared with you. So without further ado, I hope you enjoy your peek inside the heart and mind of Meg.
First,
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. The aforementioned Matthew 6:33.
Not to be a broken record, but this could definitely be titled my mantra. It is, unfortunately, true to say that this rolls through my mind much more frequently when I'm struggling than when I'm succeeding. The blog post before this goes more in depth, so I'll just reiterate briefly.... this verse fits in every aspect, moment, and obstacle in your life. Feeling worthless, challenged, or lost; if you're grieving, scared, or weak... remember Seek first the kingdom of God. Right there. Right. There. Truth, guidance, strength. This verse is so powerful in it's verity.
(side note, feeling successful, on top and dominating? This verse definitely still fits! But if I have forgotten, I seek to retain my humility and remember: For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not? 1 Corinthians 4:7)
Second
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not trust your own insight. Proverbs 3: 5-6
This, too, gets murmured on repeat by me, especially in times of great trial. Often it is all too easy (maybe subconscious?) that I could construe what God's will might be into what I want God's will to be for me. This verse, however, helps me let go of that last rope I'm clinging to; it helps me release my final finger from the controls. This could mean not praying for guidance while holding onto my own opinion on what the outcome should be. This could mean admitting something I'm trying to justify really is just wrong.
In short:
Don't judge (myself or others). Don't decide. Don't rationalize. Don't think of and for myself. Don't plan. God's insight, not mine.
That's rough though isn't it? What is God's will? What is my own? --- I pray with an open heart and believe God will guide me. I pray it again and again until I release what I'm holding onto. Trust me, I can feel it. I can feel my whole body give it up when finally I stop fighting and start trusting God.
Third
The word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing until it divides soul from spirit, joints from marrow; it is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12
Able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
This one helps keep me honest. Of course God knows all of our thoughts and intentions, but hearing the words play through your head, why even bother trying to fool yourself with something untrue? The rough but real question - Am I acting out of love or out of secret hope for selfish return? Even at my best, selfish motives always long to drive my thoughts and actions. Most challenging, however, is when the answer is not obvious. It is not always easy to tell what my true motives are, even when I don't feel mischievous or self serving. Some people might say its natural to want to watch out for yourself first. Well, selfishness does not define love, it defines what love is not.
Yep, there we have it. These verses renew and align my spirit. They remind me that serving myself is not necessary (or good, ouch) for eternal happiness and life (see Matthew 6:33). They keep me in check in case I'm trying to fool others (or even God) subconsciously or purposefully. Those things may seem more harsh than rejuvenating, but really, most often that is all they do: set me straight and build me up. It certainly doesn't hurt to know that no matter my failure or success, if my heart is true and good, God knows. If I give it my all, if I mean well and work truly in good conscience, that is all He asks, for then we return to the beginning -
Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness.
:) :) :)
Amen
First,
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. The aforementioned Matthew 6:33.
Not to be a broken record, but this could definitely be titled my mantra. It is, unfortunately, true to say that this rolls through my mind much more frequently when I'm struggling than when I'm succeeding. The blog post before this goes more in depth, so I'll just reiterate briefly.... this verse fits in every aspect, moment, and obstacle in your life. Feeling worthless, challenged, or lost; if you're grieving, scared, or weak... remember Seek first the kingdom of God. Right there. Right. There. Truth, guidance, strength. This verse is so powerful in it's verity.
(side note, feeling successful, on top and dominating? This verse definitely still fits! But if I have forgotten, I seek to retain my humility and remember: For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not? 1 Corinthians 4:7)
Second
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not trust your own insight. Proverbs 3: 5-6
This, too, gets murmured on repeat by me, especially in times of great trial. Often it is all too easy (maybe subconscious?) that I could construe what God's will might be into what I want God's will to be for me. This verse, however, helps me let go of that last rope I'm clinging to; it helps me release my final finger from the controls. This could mean not praying for guidance while holding onto my own opinion on what the outcome should be. This could mean admitting something I'm trying to justify really is just wrong.
In short:
Don't judge (myself or others). Don't decide. Don't rationalize. Don't think of and for myself. Don't plan. God's insight, not mine.
That's rough though isn't it? What is God's will? What is my own? --- I pray with an open heart and believe God will guide me. I pray it again and again until I release what I'm holding onto. Trust me, I can feel it. I can feel my whole body give it up when finally I stop fighting and start trusting God.
Third
The word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing until it divides soul from spirit, joints from marrow; it is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12
Able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
This one helps keep me honest. Of course God knows all of our thoughts and intentions, but hearing the words play through your head, why even bother trying to fool yourself with something untrue? The rough but real question - Am I acting out of love or out of secret hope for selfish return? Even at my best, selfish motives always long to drive my thoughts and actions. Most challenging, however, is when the answer is not obvious. It is not always easy to tell what my true motives are, even when I don't feel mischievous or self serving. Some people might say its natural to want to watch out for yourself first. Well, selfishness does not define love, it defines what love is not.
Yep, there we have it. These verses renew and align my spirit. They remind me that serving myself is not necessary (or good, ouch) for eternal happiness and life (see Matthew 6:33). They keep me in check in case I'm trying to fool others (or even God) subconsciously or purposefully. Those things may seem more harsh than rejuvenating, but really, most often that is all they do: set me straight and build me up. It certainly doesn't hurt to know that no matter my failure or success, if my heart is true and good, God knows. If I give it my all, if I mean well and work truly in good conscience, that is all He asks, for then we return to the beginning -
Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness.
:) :) :)
Amen
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Lost Luggage and Purpose in Life
Thanksgiving this year means a week visiting the parents in Maine. Now our 3rd or 4th time up, this particular trip was rough. We (my brother, Aaron, and I) flew Delta for the first time. They were unorganized, poorly staffed and delayed delayed delayed. Then,
they lost our luggage.
The dreaded side effect of flying. Furthermore, there were no Delta attendants to be found the entire airport over excepting one lost looking woman who could only tell us "Come back tomorrow". That night, as the carousel spun and our bags didn't appear, I felt no panic, no anger, rage or waywordness. I stood there thinking little more than "Ah, our bags got lost". I knew we would notify the necessary people (albeit none were actually around that evening) and in a few days time the luggage would show up. I hugged my mother, we chatted, we went home.
Sitting around the house last night and today with nothing but the clothes I'd been wearing and whatever I'd chosen to carry-on with me, I was pleased to find I had done a rather good job packing my carry-on. Personally, I like to travel as lightweight as possible. I'm not a "pack an extra change of clothes and toothbrush" person. Thus, the contents were simply:
Laptop and charger
Water bottle
Identification and moolah (that is, $)
A book to read
A journal
Notes from and pictures of my boyfriend
My bible
As I unpacked these things onto my bed, still enjoying my sense of calm despite the er, storm, you might say, I really hit a comfortable high. I felt good. Everything I could possibly need, right there. All of my clothes, shoes, presents, makeup... didn't have any of it. What I did have though, (most importantly, those last two) were all the things that reminded me of my worth, and the good things in the world.
I'm happy to tell you we were reunited with our bags by 3 pm the following day. Nonetheless, the experience motivated this newest post. It's beyond easy to get caught up in the moment. To get lost in the big and small of things. There are so many things that distract me, that envelope me so that I sometimes can't see beyond them. The bag dilemma was a minor hiccup of less than a day but in life, I have enough big deal issues that when I'm not careful, sneak into my brain, grow and smother me:
Am I going to graduate with good enough grades?
Am I prepared for the next step in my schooling?
Am I even choosing the right career path?
Where am I going to live?
Do I have enough money to support myself?
Will I make a good wife?
Am I going to have a family?
Am I going to be a good mother to my kids?
I know, these questions kind of take off on you, but it's true. At least for me. There are good days, where I feel either smart, financially stable, directed, or exceptionally motherly. But there are bad days, where I feel undirected, rushed, confused, and like I'm just not acceptable to ever wed, let alone raise children. Those days are rough, if you can imagine. And I'm sure others of you know the feeling. Sometimes I can talk myself out of it. I'm being irrational. I'm blowing it out of proportion. But sometimes it's harder to shake. Sometimes the evidence, whether past experiences or events, shortcomings or fear of the future become too great to shake and I get lost beating myself up. Saying I can't, I'm not smart enough, or it's so unlikely I'd succeed or I've made too many mistakes, there's no recovering. I start making lists, I start picking out every possible place of failure I can imagine. This won't happen because this, this and this. It's impossible, it's terrible, you're crazy. Then I get scared, I get nervous, I feel anxious, suffocated, and lost.
You only get one life, am I making the right choices? Are the bad choices I've already made going to ruin everything else? Is any of this worth it?
Matthew 6:33
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Yep, I just hit you with a bible verse. And a great, wonderful, powerful one. This verse, in the heat of chaos, in the moment of intense despair, worthlessness or fear, this verse turns everything over, this verse takes everything away and leaves nothing but calm, warm feelings of strength and direction. Even when you are unsure, even when you feel lost, if you take every unsure step with an eye to the Lord, if you seek good in all your decisions, even the hard, scary, painful ones, you can rest assured that all things will be given. This verse is the mantra that gets me through every day, and the one that pulled me through some rough revelations of the last few months. Want to make sure your day is worth living? Remember Matthew 6:33, and it will be. It will be happier, more fulfilled and less stressful too, guaranteed.
Now, I'm not saying I meditate on this verse and hear the words go to Tuft's, have 3 kids wander into my brain. I simply am calmed by the realization that my time here on earth is finite. That I have, most definitely, made a multitude of mistakes, and will most certainly make more. But, if my every decision and action is made in good conscience, if my heart is in the right place, that, in the end, in the terms of eternity, that's what matters.
In a bible study the other day we discussed how when God forgives, He keeps no record. Behind our names, God simply records - Righteous. That, everyone, is the purpose of life. To work with every decision and action in good conscience towards righteousness. In every moment of consternation, check simply that it follows that goal, and you will lead a valuable, purposeful life.
If there is one single thing to be thankful for this holiday season, my friends and loved ones, let us be thankful for that. Though we can never fully comprehend the sacrifice that bought us this most beautiful gift, let's bow heads and try, and feel in our hearts its magnificence and beauty.
God bless, Happy Thanksgiving
Meg
they lost our luggage.
The dreaded side effect of flying. Furthermore, there were no Delta attendants to be found the entire airport over excepting one lost looking woman who could only tell us "Come back tomorrow". That night, as the carousel spun and our bags didn't appear, I felt no panic, no anger, rage or waywordness. I stood there thinking little more than "Ah, our bags got lost". I knew we would notify the necessary people (albeit none were actually around that evening) and in a few days time the luggage would show up. I hugged my mother, we chatted, we went home.
Sitting around the house last night and today with nothing but the clothes I'd been wearing and whatever I'd chosen to carry-on with me, I was pleased to find I had done a rather good job packing my carry-on. Personally, I like to travel as lightweight as possible. I'm not a "pack an extra change of clothes and toothbrush" person. Thus, the contents were simply:
Laptop and charger
Water bottle
Identification and moolah (that is, $)
A book to read
A journal
Notes from and pictures of my boyfriend
My bible
As I unpacked these things onto my bed, still enjoying my sense of calm despite the er, storm, you might say, I really hit a comfortable high. I felt good. Everything I could possibly need, right there. All of my clothes, shoes, presents, makeup... didn't have any of it. What I did have though, (most importantly, those last two) were all the things that reminded me of my worth, and the good things in the world.
I'm happy to tell you we were reunited with our bags by 3 pm the following day. Nonetheless, the experience motivated this newest post. It's beyond easy to get caught up in the moment. To get lost in the big and small of things. There are so many things that distract me, that envelope me so that I sometimes can't see beyond them. The bag dilemma was a minor hiccup of less than a day but in life, I have enough big deal issues that when I'm not careful, sneak into my brain, grow and smother me:
Am I going to graduate with good enough grades?
Am I prepared for the next step in my schooling?
Am I even choosing the right career path?
Where am I going to live?
Do I have enough money to support myself?
Will I make a good wife?
Am I going to have a family?
Am I going to be a good mother to my kids?
I know, these questions kind of take off on you, but it's true. At least for me. There are good days, where I feel either smart, financially stable, directed, or exceptionally motherly. But there are bad days, where I feel undirected, rushed, confused, and like I'm just not acceptable to ever wed, let alone raise children. Those days are rough, if you can imagine. And I'm sure others of you know the feeling. Sometimes I can talk myself out of it. I'm being irrational. I'm blowing it out of proportion. But sometimes it's harder to shake. Sometimes the evidence, whether past experiences or events, shortcomings or fear of the future become too great to shake and I get lost beating myself up. Saying I can't, I'm not smart enough, or it's so unlikely I'd succeed or I've made too many mistakes, there's no recovering. I start making lists, I start picking out every possible place of failure I can imagine. This won't happen because this, this and this. It's impossible, it's terrible, you're crazy. Then I get scared, I get nervous, I feel anxious, suffocated, and lost.
You only get one life, am I making the right choices? Are the bad choices I've already made going to ruin everything else? Is any of this worth it?
Matthew 6:33
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Yep, I just hit you with a bible verse. And a great, wonderful, powerful one. This verse, in the heat of chaos, in the moment of intense despair, worthlessness or fear, this verse turns everything over, this verse takes everything away and leaves nothing but calm, warm feelings of strength and direction. Even when you are unsure, even when you feel lost, if you take every unsure step with an eye to the Lord, if you seek good in all your decisions, even the hard, scary, painful ones, you can rest assured that all things will be given. This verse is the mantra that gets me through every day, and the one that pulled me through some rough revelations of the last few months. Want to make sure your day is worth living? Remember Matthew 6:33, and it will be. It will be happier, more fulfilled and less stressful too, guaranteed.
Now, I'm not saying I meditate on this verse and hear the words go to Tuft's, have 3 kids wander into my brain. I simply am calmed by the realization that my time here on earth is finite. That I have, most definitely, made a multitude of mistakes, and will most certainly make more. But, if my every decision and action is made in good conscience, if my heart is in the right place, that, in the end, in the terms of eternity, that's what matters.
In a bible study the other day we discussed how when God forgives, He keeps no record. Behind our names, God simply records - Righteous. That, everyone, is the purpose of life. To work with every decision and action in good conscience towards righteousness. In every moment of consternation, check simply that it follows that goal, and you will lead a valuable, purposeful life.
If there is one single thing to be thankful for this holiday season, my friends and loved ones, let us be thankful for that. Though we can never fully comprehend the sacrifice that bought us this most beautiful gift, let's bow heads and try, and feel in our hearts its magnificence and beauty.
God bless, Happy Thanksgiving
Meg
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
My daydream
I'm not really much of a singer. Er, well... I'm not really much of a good singer, but I love singing. Singing for me is a way to get my heart involved in what I'm expressing to the world. It's a way to say things that the vocabulary of speech just can't amount to. Singing celebrates my happiness, it works through my troubles, it expresses my love. Singing shuts up my brain and lets my heart do the talking. Why am I telling you I love to do something I'm terrible at? I've got a lot of amazing, amazing people in my life. People that have helped me grow, whether they have any idea about it or not. People that have said the absolutely right thing at the right time to change my life. Who give me the exact smile, or hand shake or polite gaze that gives me the strength I need to renew my heart, to strengthen my walk, to find the next step. People whose example means more than 1,000 words. There are people around me who I could never in a life time repay for their gifts, time and love. How do I say thank you? How do I say, you've meant the world to me, and changed it for the better? How do I say, I want to celebrate the most wonderful thing in the universe with you, from the depths of my heart?
I'm sure it varies from person to person. I know people that could probably look you in the eye, tell you those things, and you'd feel it. There are people who could bake you something, write you something, or play an instrument and somehow you'd just know "They mean that". It's how people show love and it's one of those things that when it happens, it's so good.
For me personally, to sing for someone is to show them love. To join in a song of praise is to unite both people in God's name and rejoice together. You might expect this from a born American Idol, of course they'd share their emotions with the world via their great gift, but for me, a person who, well, just can't sing, it means admitting vulnerability, admitting imperfection, admitting deficiency and declaring: I don't care, it doesn't matter, I'm one with you and I want to celebrate the most wonderful thing in the world with you, in one of the most wonderful ways I can think of - in song. Hymns are when I hear God loudest; they're when I see Him gathered in the hearts of every person in the room and when I feel Him alive in mine. Honest. Unguarded. Sincere. I know from experience that in trying to say in words the extreme, gracious, profound things I'm talking about expressing, my heart ruptures and the emotions I'm trying to convey get stuck in my narrow throat, whether I'm sharing my feelings about an individual, or celebrating the grace of God. Somehow, though, the beauty of singing combined with the strength I need personally to share my song captures the nature of these emotions and helps me release them.
So, I day dream about singing. Every time I feel such an overwhelming feeling that I want to express and just can't find a way, I think yes, that's how I'll do it. And because it's so from the heart, because it's so honest, so true, I know it'll express those things within me that I just can't find a way to get out. It'll release that love in my heart that's caged up by my body. It will get past my throat because it'll be so genuine that it flows from my whole being.
......Hey, it's a day dream, I'm allowed to get carried away.
But it's how I feel. It's how I handle the recurring intense desire to cry out in happiness. By thinking about what song I want to share with someone, and what song I want to sing for God.
From Psalm 100:
2 Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
I'm sure it varies from person to person. I know people that could probably look you in the eye, tell you those things, and you'd feel it. There are people who could bake you something, write you something, or play an instrument and somehow you'd just know "They mean that". It's how people show love and it's one of those things that when it happens, it's so good.
For me personally, to sing for someone is to show them love. To join in a song of praise is to unite both people in God's name and rejoice together. You might expect this from a born American Idol, of course they'd share their emotions with the world via their great gift, but for me, a person who, well, just can't sing, it means admitting vulnerability, admitting imperfection, admitting deficiency and declaring: I don't care, it doesn't matter, I'm one with you and I want to celebrate the most wonderful thing in the world with you, in one of the most wonderful ways I can think of - in song. Hymns are when I hear God loudest; they're when I see Him gathered in the hearts of every person in the room and when I feel Him alive in mine. Honest. Unguarded. Sincere. I know from experience that in trying to say in words the extreme, gracious, profound things I'm talking about expressing, my heart ruptures and the emotions I'm trying to convey get stuck in my narrow throat, whether I'm sharing my feelings about an individual, or celebrating the grace of God. Somehow, though, the beauty of singing combined with the strength I need personally to share my song captures the nature of these emotions and helps me release them.
So, I day dream about singing. Every time I feel such an overwhelming feeling that I want to express and just can't find a way, I think yes, that's how I'll do it. And because it's so from the heart, because it's so honest, so true, I know it'll express those things within me that I just can't find a way to get out. It'll release that love in my heart that's caged up by my body. It will get past my throat because it'll be so genuine that it flows from my whole being.
......Hey, it's a day dream, I'm allowed to get carried away.
But it's how I feel. It's how I handle the recurring intense desire to cry out in happiness. By thinking about what song I want to share with someone, and what song I want to sing for God.
From Psalm 100:
2 Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Time to publish
Well readers, this isn't obvious to you but I've been preparing this blog for a few weeks now, collecting ideas for the first posts, writing and rewriting, checking, fixing. Over numerous reads and rereads I've removed almost all fluff and left just the concentrated facts. I hope those don't overwhelm you, or maybe I do. How about this: I hope they move you. Continuing on, I guess I've been waiting for the final nudge, whatever it may be, I needed to open up this blog for you to read it. I believe that nudge came today.
The post before this I finished just this morning, that is, the part about struggling to really hand myself over completely and how I had spells where I thought Jesus was too beautiful to be tainted by someone like me. In thoughts like that, I was actually undermining the beauty of Jesus, I was challenging the Grace of God. I was saying the Gospel wasn't enough. And I thought those things, because although I had begun to turn myself to God, I had not yet completely. I was asking for all of Christ, but holding back pieces of myself. In finding the strength to surrender all, I know that I in my entirety am Loved by God and saved through Christ.
Well, I reflected on that this morning and then headed off to church. The topic? Believing that Love wins, that Jesus saves, and these verses:
II Corinthians:
15 And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
I am saved through Christ. I must no longer let the burnt trees standing in my yard force me to view myself differently from how God views me. The burnt embers of my past have been washed away. They are not swept into a closet, they are not set aside to be remembered later. In God's eyes they do not exist and so must I also see myself, as God sees me - made pure and new so that I might go forth in life as His servant, as His ambassador on Earth, and share His message with you, and hopefully many.
God is Good, people. God is Great! I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here, and I'm just so moved every day that I can't help but reach out and spread the good news I have heard.
God bless!
The post before this I finished just this morning, that is, the part about struggling to really hand myself over completely and how I had spells where I thought Jesus was too beautiful to be tainted by someone like me. In thoughts like that, I was actually undermining the beauty of Jesus, I was challenging the Grace of God. I was saying the Gospel wasn't enough. And I thought those things, because although I had begun to turn myself to God, I had not yet completely. I was asking for all of Christ, but holding back pieces of myself. In finding the strength to surrender all, I know that I in my entirety am Loved by God and saved through Christ.
Well, I reflected on that this morning and then headed off to church. The topic? Believing that Love wins, that Jesus saves, and these verses:
II Corinthians:
15 And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
I am saved through Christ. I must no longer let the burnt trees standing in my yard force me to view myself differently from how God views me. The burnt embers of my past have been washed away. They are not swept into a closet, they are not set aside to be remembered later. In God's eyes they do not exist and so must I also see myself, as God sees me - made pure and new so that I might go forth in life as His servant, as His ambassador on Earth, and share His message with you, and hopefully many.
God is Good, people. God is Great! I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here, and I'm just so moved every day that I can't help but reach out and spread the good news I have heard.
God bless!
Quick review
So, let's recap. I always thought I'd accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Sometimes I went to church more, sometimes less, but I thought I was sure about God, His presence, His creation.
Today, I know I had never before accepted Christ, because today I know what it means, what it feels like and how it affects you, to accept Him. Your whole life, your whole physical, emotional and spiritual being is taken over and transformed. You see Him in every moment and event.
Most acutely, you are informed of the meaning of life:
To serve Him.
To search for Him, follow Him, and serve Him. So extremely does this purpose seem obvious, necessary, and undeniable that to fathom ever not knowing it or recognizing it seems impossible. Jesus has and will exist for all eternity. He was before and will be after me. It is almost beyond comprehension that I could have existed at one point without realizing this. But I believe that is what Christ does. He transforms us and saves us. What we did before we knew Him is forgiven simply by accepting and following Him. He loves us beyond human comprehension so much so that He forgives and helps us forgive ourselves. He transforms us so that we know Him and only Him, and it is so beautiful, the thought of ever not knowing Him seems far away like a bad dream you awoke from before finishing.
It wasn't always like that for me. At first I struggled. I really struggled to give myself to Christ. Because I couldn't accept and forgive myself, I held back from Him. If only I had given up every bit of me, He would have given me the strength. Eventually, after tears and more of God's careful tools working to tediously uncurl each finger from around my shame and excuses I released my heart completely to Christ and immediately I was changed.
-->Let me explain a little further just what I mean by changed. I mean that pictures of me before knowing Him, don't seem like me. Memories before Him seem faded and out of place. I'm confused by this past that seems so lost and forsaken because it lacked Him. All of that is taken from me in Christ. Nothing that was before Him matters and from here on out, I have eternity to serve and worship Him. He will forgive me my early years on Earth in return for eternity, if I will just take the step and give myself over.
Eternity.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
Today, I know I had never before accepted Christ, because today I know what it means, what it feels like and how it affects you, to accept Him. Your whole life, your whole physical, emotional and spiritual being is taken over and transformed. You see Him in every moment and event.
Most acutely, you are informed of the meaning of life:
To serve Him.
To search for Him, follow Him, and serve Him. So extremely does this purpose seem obvious, necessary, and undeniable that to fathom ever not knowing it or recognizing it seems impossible. Jesus has and will exist for all eternity. He was before and will be after me. It is almost beyond comprehension that I could have existed at one point without realizing this. But I believe that is what Christ does. He transforms us and saves us. What we did before we knew Him is forgiven simply by accepting and following Him. He loves us beyond human comprehension so much so that He forgives and helps us forgive ourselves. He transforms us so that we know Him and only Him, and it is so beautiful, the thought of ever not knowing Him seems far away like a bad dream you awoke from before finishing.
It wasn't always like that for me. At first I struggled. I really struggled to give myself to Christ. Because I couldn't accept and forgive myself, I held back from Him. If only I had given up every bit of me, He would have given me the strength. Eventually, after tears and more of God's careful tools working to tediously uncurl each finger from around my shame and excuses I released my heart completely to Christ and immediately I was changed.
-->Let me explain a little further just what I mean by changed. I mean that pictures of me before knowing Him, don't seem like me. Memories before Him seem faded and out of place. I'm confused by this past that seems so lost and forsaken because it lacked Him. All of that is taken from me in Christ. Nothing that was before Him matters and from here on out, I have eternity to serve and worship Him. He will forgive me my early years on Earth in return for eternity, if I will just take the step and give myself over.
Eternity.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Asking Him In
One morning at church, a man who had returned from a mission trip in Central America gave a reflection on his experiences. He said of all the things that moved his heart, the love of the people there for God touched his very soul. Despite poverty, miles to walk to and from church, hunger, thirst and poor infrastructure, these people rejoiced and worshiped in the name of the Father once or twice a day, every day of the week. He said they didn't sit. They didn't listen quietly. But they all praised the Lord for their blessings openly, jubilantly. They loved God, knew God loved them and they rejoiced! I realized that day I wanted that too. My heart was aching for it. I didn't want to sit and hear the Word and leave. I wanted to feel the Word, I wanted it to change me and move me and help me move and change my world. I wanted to celebrate at the top of my lungs the love that was flowing through me. The beautiful, magnificent thing that is Jesus Christ.
It turns out, at about this time I moved across the city to a new apartment. Up the street less than an eighth of a mile, there was a small, modern looking church. I decided to stop by.
I might as well copy and paste the explanation of my emotions.
Warmth, tingles, tears, weakness of knees, shortness of breath, feeling of absolute completeness.
The songs were loud and sung from the heart. The people were climbing over their seats (well not quite that literally) to greet me, the new comer. The message was life changing. It was as if the sermon had been written just for me (share more in depth soon, promise).
I went home that day, went up to my room, and fell to my knees. It wasn't that some person had greeted me in such a way I'd been changed forever. It wasn't that the Pastor had said something that converted my spirit. Although the service was wonderful, it was just another tool of many that God was using to pry my ears just enough more open, that I might hear. And then, on this particular day, it was enough.
I'd heard Him call me. This time there was no confusion, no doubt; I'd heard Him say my name as I was standing in church. My mind couldn't think about anything except the shear glory of God. I was dying of thirst, starving for another refreshing serving of His word. I didn't know how to quench it other than throwing open my bible and reading and prayer. That day, right then and there, crouched on the floor I asked Jesus Christ into my heart. In that moment, I knew I had never asked Him in before, I had never felt His love for me as strong and pure and obvious and as eternal as I did then. Finally, finally I stopped fighting. In that moment I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, and since that day not a moment has passed that I don't feel Him transforming my heart, building me up, and loving me.
It turns out, at about this time I moved across the city to a new apartment. Up the street less than an eighth of a mile, there was a small, modern looking church. I decided to stop by.
I might as well copy and paste the explanation of my emotions.
Warmth, tingles, tears, weakness of knees, shortness of breath, feeling of absolute completeness.
The songs were loud and sung from the heart. The people were climbing over their seats (well not quite that literally) to greet me, the new comer. The message was life changing. It was as if the sermon had been written just for me (share more in depth soon, promise).
I went home that day, went up to my room, and fell to my knees. It wasn't that some person had greeted me in such a way I'd been changed forever. It wasn't that the Pastor had said something that converted my spirit. Although the service was wonderful, it was just another tool of many that God was using to pry my ears just enough more open, that I might hear. And then, on this particular day, it was enough.
I'd heard Him call me. This time there was no confusion, no doubt; I'd heard Him say my name as I was standing in church. My mind couldn't think about anything except the shear glory of God. I was dying of thirst, starving for another refreshing serving of His word. I didn't know how to quench it other than throwing open my bible and reading and prayer. That day, right then and there, crouched on the floor I asked Jesus Christ into my heart. In that moment, I knew I had never asked Him in before, I had never felt His love for me as strong and pure and obvious and as eternal as I did then. Finally, finally I stopped fighting. In that moment I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, and since that day not a moment has passed that I don't feel Him transforming my heart, building me up, and loving me.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Baptism
There is, well, an eternity more to be said between attending church that week and deciding to be baptized, but for the sake of time, (and I just really want to talk about it) I'll fill in those wonderful stories after a little preview.
In addition to heart, mind and body, in preparing for Baptism I must also turn over everything else to Christ. My old behaviors, relationships, thoughts, ideas, and convictions. Some may be rebuilt, but I must not trust my own insight on which those may be. Before walking with Christ I accumulated sin, but through Him can I start anew. I have no remorse for the relationships, ideas and other things that are lost in my rebirth, but regret beyond explanation that something as such ever had a place in my life.
The date is not yet set, but it is on the Horizon. My heart is eager, my mind athirst to declare publicly my acceptance of Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. For those of you who have felt these feelings before me, you can relate I'm sure to my words. For those of you who have not before felt what I describe, the Lord our God calls us all by name, all you must do is open your ears and listen. :)
In addition to heart, mind and body, in preparing for Baptism I must also turn over everything else to Christ. My old behaviors, relationships, thoughts, ideas, and convictions. Some may be rebuilt, but I must not trust my own insight on which those may be. Before walking with Christ I accumulated sin, but through Him can I start anew. I have no remorse for the relationships, ideas and other things that are lost in my rebirth, but regret beyond explanation that something as such ever had a place in my life.
The date is not yet set, but it is on the Horizon. My heart is eager, my mind athirst to declare publicly my acceptance of Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. For those of you who have felt these feelings before me, you can relate I'm sure to my words. For those of you who have not before felt what I describe, the Lord our God calls us all by name, all you must do is open your ears and listen. :)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Hearing the Buzzer
Today I am preparing my heart, body and mind for entry into Christ's church. For my Baptism. Quite honestly, I'm ridiculously excited. Who wouldn't be? Once someone hears the Lord call them by name, the universe as they know it changes. Their heart is broken open within them and they can do nothing but rejoice. It is overwhelming and wonderful. I have heard it said (Pastor Nate) that Salvation is like a boat in the great ocean. We are all lost at sea when God pulls along side us. Not only does Jesus throw us a life saver but He jumps in, swims to us, and asks nothing more of us than to stop fighting and we shall be saved . Stop fighting, and reap eternal salvation. Stop fighting and be welcomed into the Kingdom of Heaven. Don't over analyze. It's not even - stop fighting and eventually with patience a boat will come.... Jesus is already with us in the water holding the life saver and ready to save us, if only we would stop fighting.
I wouldn't stop fighting.
Furthermore, I was in some pretty serious denial.
I was raised in the church. I knew all the popular stories and I have always had an innate desire to help others. I construed this desire, this goodwill as manifestation of my religious beliefs. I was against murder, hated lying, tried to follow the Golden Rule... And this is essentially the belief system that persisted with me through high school and into college. At the time, I honestly believed I'd accepted Christ into my heart.
EHHHHHH <--- that's the buzzer. My heart was all wrong, but I just didn't notice. I was so far from Christ, I didn't even remember what it felt like to be with Him anymore. The roaring buzzer that should have warned me about my separation from Him wasn't getting through to my brain. I'd carefully stuffed my ears with enough denial and excuses that I didn't hear anything anymore.
After much too long of a time absent from church something within me literally just pushed me to attend. I hadn't had anything worse than usual happen. Just one day it hit me, I needed to go to church. I picked out one like the one I'd grown up with and found my expectations of its style and procedure comforting. What was not comforting, was the overwhelming emotions that washed over me as I stood in the pew. I can't explain the feeling that was taking over my heart. It was warm and tingled, and the prickles crawled up my neck and filled my throat and ears. I couldn't hear the world around me and no thoughts filled my head as my vision grew unfocused. Everything, the heat, the prickles, all of it radiated from my heart. I couldn't help it and I didn't want to, I let the tears stream silently, warming my cheeks. Eventually the heat that had crawled from my chest to my neck overcame my deafened ears and cleared them. I could hear the hymns and rustling of the church around me again. My heart continued rejoicing in the worship that surrounded me. I read the bulletin cover to cover, soaked up every word and scripture said during service and knew without a doubt I'd be back next week.
But something was wrong after I left church that day. It wasn't overpowering or suffocating, but yet I could feel within me something ill at ease. Something in my life needed changing.
I know now what I did not realize then.
God was clearing my ears, and my heart could hear Him calling.
I wouldn't stop fighting.
Furthermore, I was in some pretty serious denial.
I was raised in the church. I knew all the popular stories and I have always had an innate desire to help others. I construed this desire, this goodwill as manifestation of my religious beliefs. I was against murder, hated lying, tried to follow the Golden Rule... And this is essentially the belief system that persisted with me through high school and into college. At the time, I honestly believed I'd accepted Christ into my heart.
EHHHHHH <--- that's the buzzer. My heart was all wrong, but I just didn't notice. I was so far from Christ, I didn't even remember what it felt like to be with Him anymore. The roaring buzzer that should have warned me about my separation from Him wasn't getting through to my brain. I'd carefully stuffed my ears with enough denial and excuses that I didn't hear anything anymore.
After much too long of a time absent from church something within me literally just pushed me to attend. I hadn't had anything worse than usual happen. Just one day it hit me, I needed to go to church. I picked out one like the one I'd grown up with and found my expectations of its style and procedure comforting. What was not comforting, was the overwhelming emotions that washed over me as I stood in the pew. I can't explain the feeling that was taking over my heart. It was warm and tingled, and the prickles crawled up my neck and filled my throat and ears. I couldn't hear the world around me and no thoughts filled my head as my vision grew unfocused. Everything, the heat, the prickles, all of it radiated from my heart. I couldn't help it and I didn't want to, I let the tears stream silently, warming my cheeks. Eventually the heat that had crawled from my chest to my neck overcame my deafened ears and cleared them. I could hear the hymns and rustling of the church around me again. My heart continued rejoicing in the worship that surrounded me. I read the bulletin cover to cover, soaked up every word and scripture said during service and knew without a doubt I'd be back next week.
But something was wrong after I left church that day. It wasn't overpowering or suffocating, but yet I could feel within me something ill at ease. Something in my life needed changing.
I know now what I did not realize then.
God was clearing my ears, and my heart could hear Him calling.
Post 1
Greetings. You've wandered upon my new blog about my life, and I welcome you heartedly! Don't worry, attendance is optional and quizzes are few and far between. Hopefully you'll continue to join me for future reflection, ponderings, and other various tidbits that move me enough to show up here. :-D I expect this to include some week to week updates on my life activities but the main goal of this blog is to share my story and love for God and what I'm learning and considering at the time with the world or any who will listen.
>>>Question: Why are you doing this?
It's a good question and I love giving a long winded answer, but for now all you need to know is: God called me.
God called me in a lot of ways and over a long period of time. Looking back, I see in so many places the way He wove the threads of my life that I might open my ears and hear Him call my name. Already, I have so much to write about in this story alone. Yet additionally I see, hear, read, learn and experience more things every day that I just want to get out there to the world. It's a way for me to allow the transformation in my heart to get out and transform my world. If my life might touch even just one others for a moment, this blog has been worth every second, one thousand times over. Already this has served to renew my spirit in times when I needed it most. So: thanks for reading, I'm so glad you're here.
>>>Question: Why are you doing this?
It's a good question and I love giving a long winded answer, but for now all you need to know is: God called me.
God called me in a lot of ways and over a long period of time. Looking back, I see in so many places the way He wove the threads of my life that I might open my ears and hear Him call my name. Already, I have so much to write about in this story alone. Yet additionally I see, hear, read, learn and experience more things every day that I just want to get out there to the world. It's a way for me to allow the transformation in my heart to get out and transform my world. If my life might touch even just one others for a moment, this blog has been worth every second, one thousand times over. Already this has served to renew my spirit in times when I needed it most. So: thanks for reading, I'm so glad you're here.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
A few notes from Mayg
Finally, I write again. Because a picture says 1,000 words and I'm about 10,000 words behind, I've done the math and what awaits you in this post should get me to just about even. Take that as your warning. You may want to split this into multiple servings.
Carrying on, the reason for the delayed update and seemingly abundant tidbits of news reflects my busy life as of late. I've been up to a lot, and only a little was no good (bad joke). Unfortunately, I didn't get to run in the marathon last Sunday that I'd been training for since November. I was bummed. I was very, very bummed. To date I'm still not running; the shin splint has lessened, but is still very present. Just a few more days I keep telling myself, just a few more days.
Beyond not running, I've been getting ever more anxious about the MCAT with each passing day. Many of my friends took it last weekend and I now feel the weight falling ever heavier onto my shoulders. Ideally, I'm hoping to knock it out of the park in the first go.... and by that I mean get a score above something that makes me angry, and is thus good enough to accept and never look back. That's the plan... now onto that pesky studying business. Some people study hardly at all, more study so much it makes my brain hurt and most unfortunately the results are mixed. Worse yet, a fellow TA told me she read Examkrackers and took practice tests to prepare and still bombed. Examkrackers and practice tests are literally my mode of preparation. Her review is NOT what I wanted to hear. But everyone is different, right? Right. Right... We'll see. Unfortunately "a little MCAT each day" has been off and on, but I've been kicking it more and more on, just a tidbit at a time.
Next, we have that other major thing in my life: school! Now is about the time I start wondering if I can pull off A's in my classes and stress about how there is no way I can prepare for these finals. Since I'm so used to the procedure, I'm kind of relaxing on the freak out part, but only minutely. My worst class right now is my German, and though an A- could maybe, just maybe be done, I've accepted it might not happen and am allowing the fact that its towards my minor make it not annoy me so much. My second worst class? Biology 153. In other words, my INTRO biology class. Pitiful isn't it? Oddly enough, with each test I've studied more than the one before, felt a little more confident handing it in, and received 1% lower each time. Hmm...
Finally we come to my lab work. The Undergraduate Research Symposium is this Saturday. This is when a bunch of know-nothing undergrads make their lack of good data look impressive by making the words really big and printing charts and graphs onto big boards. I'm excited to take part. If I'm lucky, mine is going to be printed as one huge glistening poster (as opposed to 9 printouts of 8.5x11 inch pieces of paper stuck to cardboard). Its all about the presentation, and heck, I could print the alphabet and some roman numerals on my shnazzy poster and still look pretty official. Why do the Yankees always when the World Series? [answer: the other team can't stop staring at the pinstripes]
Onto the pictures :)
This was actually taken in early-March just outside the door of our apartment. The snow was thick and wet and fell in huge, slow chunks. It made the whole world seem soft, quiet, and completely at ease. It truly was a wonderland. A white, dampened, slow moving wonderland.
Ah, my lab. These people come together to create something which affects a lot of my life, Dr. Lundquist's Lab. From back left and clockwise we have Patrick (graduating undergrad who works under Rafael), Rafael (grad student), Me, Adam (grad student), and Samir (in the hat, graduated undergrad who works under Adam). Not pictured are two graduate student females, plus Eric the lab technician and naturally, the boss man himself, Erik Lundquist. If you were wondering - yes, I am graduate-student-for-a-mentorless. My project is somewhat tied to the two female grad students', but instead of working with them I work under Dr. Lundquist's direction. This either makes me special, or really unlucky. I'm going with the former, just because of the feeling special part; and I wouldn't be unlucky because of anything to do with Lundquist, but rather because as a newbie undergrad, you'd rather all of your mistakes and stupid questions be buffered by a graduate student instead of heading straight for the ears or eyes of the head hauncho. To make up for this I do a pretty good job of nagging the crap out of dear Rafael, Adam and Patrick. Their good sports about it, at least to my face. In truth, at least for me, this lab is very much another family of sorts, with a distinct dynamic and structure. The group pictured in particular I enjoy the company of outside of lab as well. Miscellaneous shenanigans, KU game watching, bowling, tennis, volleyball, pool and more... my school and social life are essentially one thing. Be that good or bad, I leave to others to judge.
These are the "Scapegoats"; we play dodgeball. I was recruited by my friend Cole, the one with the goat shirt behind me, to play with them one Sunday. I thought it was a singular, one time fill in sort of deal but then they asked me to return the next week. The next thing I knew, I was an official fixture and had apparently only missed the first week of games. We had about a 10 week or so season and came out ranked #1 of 16 teams (no thanks to me)! Sunday we had the first two rounds of tournament play. It was an absolute blast, a good competition and... we are headed for the final four! I was then flattered by being voted as All-Star female by my team and get to play in the All-Star games this coming Sunday.
Now, it may seem like it doesn't take much to be a good dodgeballer, seeing as I made All-Star so quickly, but the rules aren't the same for girls. Thanks to my various athletic adventures as a kid, my hand-eye coordination is not too shabby and I'm able to catch a few balls here and there (and if you catch a ball, a player who had been knocked out can come back in). If you are a girl who can catch you're a pretty high commodity. Most of the time girls are just the left over handicap of teams, and there must be two at every game.
Anyway, this dodgeball team is fan-tastic. They are a group of people 180 degrees from those who I see any other time of the week and I love that fact to death. They are hilarious and welcoming, a whole new style of crowd and really REALLY into their dodgeball. This sport is a science, let me tell you. You have to see it to believe it. I'm honored to be a Goat. :)
I've finally begun to take advantage of my new (as of 2.5 years ago) environment of entertainment opportunities! Upon getting to KU, the only "concert" or show I'd been to was Nickelback at the KANSAS STATE FAIR in the 7th grade. Sheesh. To date I've now seen the Republic Tigers, a soloist Tyler Gregory (twice), New Inhabitants (thrice), Lawrence Street Band and Passion Pit. This picture is just after leaving The Beaumont, the venue in KCMO where Bets and I saw Passion Pit. I just realized this is the same pose I adopted after seeing Blue Man Group in Boston. Hmm.... I guess thats my excited stance.
Side note, Adam from my lab is the pianist in New Inhabitants and I've personally taken on the goal to become a superfan. Since my first taste I've made all Lawrence shows. The group itself is great, and to make it even better, I really like their music. Above are Bets and me with all but their drummer. Adam is laying across our arms.
I love this picture! It's the Brew to Brew Crew. Last year Keslie Kandt arranged the Brew to Brew and invited me to run along with many of her friends. We had a blast, and now that Kes has moved on to DU, I took it upon myself to carry on the tradition. We had 13 people this year and split ourselves into two teams. Each team then ran a relay from Boulevard Brewery in KCMO to Free State in Lawrence, a 43.5 mile distance split over 10 legs. I think I can speak for the group when I say we had a terrific day, and I was thrilled just to be involved and to have the opportunity to bring so many together for the event. I'd like to believe Keslie would be proud. The groups ended up being just about as random as random gets, a trait that I love but that also further demonstrates the variety of people in my life. I've always been more of a hodgepodge of friends collector, as opposed to a complete, homogeneous clique. ;)
A snipet from my Easter extravaganza. Rafael (from lab) treated Elizabeth, Adam (also from lab), and me to a spectacular feast. We had a special Brazilian fish entree with potatoes and vegetables, a special Brazilian candied dessert ice cream and dipped strawberries. To thank him, Bets and I brought eggs to dye. As meager of a gratitude as that may seem, it was his first time dyeing and I think it was enjoyed by all. I also find it slightly ironic that my Easter was spent with members of my science lab. Hey world, don't put us in a box now!
So as a final sign off, I leave you with a rapid list of other things presently at hand:
I ride my moped daily now, and I love it.
I'm still tutoring Aaron, tho I'm not sure he needs it most of the time.
I still love teaching intro-biology. I find I really enjoy instructing and interacting with my students.
I've purchased tickets to attend "Buzz Under the Stars" on June 4th. It is an outdoor concert featuring a few fairly good sized names (Weezer, Manchester Orchestra...). I'm inviting Kalin, Elizabeth, Jessica Parrish and Audrey Polifka to join me for my birthday hoo-hah. I'll invite more when the day nears, but these lucky ladies get the tickets bought for them.
And that, dear friends, is what I've been up too. Although I often feel my life seems little more than costume jewelry when taken day to day, I find when its strung altogether and examined, it really holds its own as a fine product, one that I'm proud to be in possession of, and excited to share with you.
Carrying on, the reason for the delayed update and seemingly abundant tidbits of news reflects my busy life as of late. I've been up to a lot, and only a little was no good (bad joke). Unfortunately, I didn't get to run in the marathon last Sunday that I'd been training for since November. I was bummed. I was very, very bummed. To date I'm still not running; the shin splint has lessened, but is still very present. Just a few more days I keep telling myself, just a few more days.
Beyond not running, I've been getting ever more anxious about the MCAT with each passing day. Many of my friends took it last weekend and I now feel the weight falling ever heavier onto my shoulders. Ideally, I'm hoping to knock it out of the park in the first go.... and by that I mean get a score above something that makes me angry, and is thus good enough to accept and never look back. That's the plan... now onto that pesky studying business. Some people study hardly at all, more study so much it makes my brain hurt and most unfortunately the results are mixed. Worse yet, a fellow TA told me she read Examkrackers and took practice tests to prepare and still bombed. Examkrackers and practice tests are literally my mode of preparation. Her review is NOT what I wanted to hear. But everyone is different, right? Right. Right... We'll see. Unfortunately "a little MCAT each day" has been off and on, but I've been kicking it more and more on, just a tidbit at a time.
Next, we have that other major thing in my life: school! Now is about the time I start wondering if I can pull off A's in my classes and stress about how there is no way I can prepare for these finals. Since I'm so used to the procedure, I'm kind of relaxing on the freak out part, but only minutely. My worst class right now is my German, and though an A- could maybe, just maybe be done, I've accepted it might not happen and am allowing the fact that its towards my minor make it not annoy me so much. My second worst class? Biology 153. In other words, my INTRO biology class. Pitiful isn't it? Oddly enough, with each test I've studied more than the one before, felt a little more confident handing it in, and received 1% lower each time. Hmm...
Finally we come to my lab work. The Undergraduate Research Symposium is this Saturday. This is when a bunch of know-nothing undergrads make their lack of good data look impressive by making the words really big and printing charts and graphs onto big boards. I'm excited to take part. If I'm lucky, mine is going to be printed as one huge glistening poster (as opposed to 9 printouts of 8.5x11 inch pieces of paper stuck to cardboard). Its all about the presentation, and heck, I could print the alphabet and some roman numerals on my shnazzy poster and still look pretty official. Why do the Yankees always when the World Series? [answer: the other team can't stop staring at the pinstripes]
Onto the pictures :)
This was actually taken in early-March just outside the door of our apartment. The snow was thick and wet and fell in huge, slow chunks. It made the whole world seem soft, quiet, and completely at ease. It truly was a wonderland. A white, dampened, slow moving wonderland.
Ah, my lab. These people come together to create something which affects a lot of my life, Dr. Lundquist's Lab. From back left and clockwise we have Patrick (graduating undergrad who works under Rafael), Rafael (grad student), Me, Adam (grad student), and Samir (in the hat, graduated undergrad who works under Adam). Not pictured are two graduate student females, plus Eric the lab technician and naturally, the boss man himself, Erik Lundquist. If you were wondering - yes, I am graduate-student-for-a-mentorless. My project is somewhat tied to the two female grad students', but instead of working with them I work under Dr. Lundquist's direction. This either makes me special, or really unlucky. I'm going with the former, just because of the feeling special part; and I wouldn't be unlucky because of anything to do with Lundquist, but rather because as a newbie undergrad, you'd rather all of your mistakes and stupid questions be buffered by a graduate student instead of heading straight for the ears or eyes of the head hauncho. To make up for this I do a pretty good job of nagging the crap out of dear Rafael, Adam and Patrick. Their good sports about it, at least to my face. In truth, at least for me, this lab is very much another family of sorts, with a distinct dynamic and structure. The group pictured in particular I enjoy the company of outside of lab as well. Miscellaneous shenanigans, KU game watching, bowling, tennis, volleyball, pool and more... my school and social life are essentially one thing. Be that good or bad, I leave to others to judge.
These are the "Scapegoats"; we play dodgeball. I was recruited by my friend Cole, the one with the goat shirt behind me, to play with them one Sunday. I thought it was a singular, one time fill in sort of deal but then they asked me to return the next week. The next thing I knew, I was an official fixture and had apparently only missed the first week of games. We had about a 10 week or so season and came out ranked #1 of 16 teams (no thanks to me)! Sunday we had the first two rounds of tournament play. It was an absolute blast, a good competition and... we are headed for the final four! I was then flattered by being voted as All-Star female by my team and get to play in the All-Star games this coming Sunday.
Now, it may seem like it doesn't take much to be a good dodgeballer, seeing as I made All-Star so quickly, but the rules aren't the same for girls. Thanks to my various athletic adventures as a kid, my hand-eye coordination is not too shabby and I'm able to catch a few balls here and there (and if you catch a ball, a player who had been knocked out can come back in). If you are a girl who can catch you're a pretty high commodity. Most of the time girls are just the left over handicap of teams, and there must be two at every game.
Anyway, this dodgeball team is fan-tastic. They are a group of people 180 degrees from those who I see any other time of the week and I love that fact to death. They are hilarious and welcoming, a whole new style of crowd and really REALLY into their dodgeball. This sport is a science, let me tell you. You have to see it to believe it. I'm honored to be a Goat. :)
I've finally begun to take advantage of my new (as of 2.5 years ago) environment of entertainment opportunities! Upon getting to KU, the only "concert" or show I'd been to was Nickelback at the KANSAS STATE FAIR in the 7th grade. Sheesh. To date I've now seen the Republic Tigers, a soloist Tyler Gregory (twice), New Inhabitants (thrice), Lawrence Street Band and Passion Pit. This picture is just after leaving The Beaumont, the venue in KCMO where Bets and I saw Passion Pit. I just realized this is the same pose I adopted after seeing Blue Man Group in Boston. Hmm.... I guess thats my excited stance.
Side note, Adam from my lab is the pianist in New Inhabitants and I've personally taken on the goal to become a superfan. Since my first taste I've made all Lawrence shows. The group itself is great, and to make it even better, I really like their music. Above are Bets and me with all but their drummer. Adam is laying across our arms.
I love this picture! It's the Brew to Brew Crew. Last year Keslie Kandt arranged the Brew to Brew and invited me to run along with many of her friends. We had a blast, and now that Kes has moved on to DU, I took it upon myself to carry on the tradition. We had 13 people this year and split ourselves into two teams. Each team then ran a relay from Boulevard Brewery in KCMO to Free State in Lawrence, a 43.5 mile distance split over 10 legs. I think I can speak for the group when I say we had a terrific day, and I was thrilled just to be involved and to have the opportunity to bring so many together for the event. I'd like to believe Keslie would be proud. The groups ended up being just about as random as random gets, a trait that I love but that also further demonstrates the variety of people in my life. I've always been more of a hodgepodge of friends collector, as opposed to a complete, homogeneous clique. ;)
A snipet from my Easter extravaganza. Rafael (from lab) treated Elizabeth, Adam (also from lab), and me to a spectacular feast. We had a special Brazilian fish entree with potatoes and vegetables, a special Brazilian candied dessert ice cream and dipped strawberries. To thank him, Bets and I brought eggs to dye. As meager of a gratitude as that may seem, it was his first time dyeing and I think it was enjoyed by all. I also find it slightly ironic that my Easter was spent with members of my science lab. Hey world, don't put us in a box now!
So as a final sign off, I leave you with a rapid list of other things presently at hand:
I ride my moped daily now, and I love it.
I'm still tutoring Aaron, tho I'm not sure he needs it most of the time.
I still love teaching intro-biology. I find I really enjoy instructing and interacting with my students.
I've purchased tickets to attend "Buzz Under the Stars" on June 4th. It is an outdoor concert featuring a few fairly good sized names (Weezer, Manchester Orchestra...). I'm inviting Kalin, Elizabeth, Jessica Parrish and Audrey Polifka to join me for my birthday hoo-hah. I'll invite more when the day nears, but these lucky ladies get the tickets bought for them.
And that, dear friends, is what I've been up too. Although I often feel my life seems little more than costume jewelry when taken day to day, I find when its strung altogether and examined, it really holds its own as a fine product, one that I'm proud to be in possession of, and excited to share with you.
Monday, March 22, 2010
My North Sea Pictures!
The pictures from our day on the North Sea just arrived! Hildegard sent me 5 pictures of me kite-flying, as well as two of the Winter in Hamburg and a postcard. The envelope's return address read:
Hildegard Winter-Otte
Currently on a park bench
In Central Park
In New York City
Hahaha
Ich liebe es!
I remember laughing and smiling so hard and long that my face started to hurt. It was a great, great day.
Hildegard standing on a frozen river in Hamburg. The same one I rode my bike along every day
I am saying "der Tanz des Drachens" or "the dance of the kite" repeatedly. Please forgive me my giggle ;) Oh by the way, that's Jogi. (said Yogi) Hildegard's son, 23.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
A war with the unforgiving To Do
I'm a list maker. I've lessened the habit a bit over the past year, but the title is still pretty fitting. I list make most when I'm bored, like in class, in the car... when movement is restricted but the mind is free to wander. Yes, I'm a girl with a big to do list, chalk full of various items I consider needing to be done. The problem? I'm only a list maker, not a list do-er. Unlike my roommate Elizabeth, who finds motivation and excitement in checking things off an accomplished list, mine tend to fall to the side or remain forgotten as soon as written as the top note of the sticky pad, waiting to be torn off to make room for the next new list.
I have big aspirations, and small. Serious and whimsical. I want to live abroad, read Moby Dick, play the guitar and run a marathon. I want to actually study before the final hours before the exam, and take the time given to me to prepare. The main item on the docket presently is that dang MCAT. It stares at me, taunts me. I know I need to study. I'm even pretty confident that if I DID ever get around to studying, I might even do fairly well. And yet, I don't crack a book. Even after 7 days of absolute Spring Break nothingness, I haven't studied a minute. I know I will be frustrated, aggravated! when the exam rolls around and I don't do as well as I feel I could for lack of preparation. I know this, so to counter it, I do, in fact, plan to study, prepare, review, and dedicate to it the serious effort and attention it demands... I've put it on my to do list.
Now as a result of my persistent list-making and associated chronic inability to carry them out, I constantly feel pressed for time, stressed and hurried when in truth, the hours I spend dwelling on how much I have to do, would be plenty enough time to actually accomplish the tasks at hand. I guess recognizing the fact is the first step to following through with it, right? Right. Now, about that MCAT...
I have big aspirations, and small. Serious and whimsical. I want to live abroad, read Moby Dick, play the guitar and run a marathon. I want to actually study before the final hours before the exam, and take the time given to me to prepare. The main item on the docket presently is that dang MCAT. It stares at me, taunts me. I know I need to study. I'm even pretty confident that if I DID ever get around to studying, I might even do fairly well. And yet, I don't crack a book. Even after 7 days of absolute Spring Break nothingness, I haven't studied a minute. I know I will be frustrated, aggravated! when the exam rolls around and I don't do as well as I feel I could for lack of preparation. I know this, so to counter it, I do, in fact, plan to study, prepare, review, and dedicate to it the serious effort and attention it demands... I've put it on my to do list.
Now as a result of my persistent list-making and associated chronic inability to carry them out, I constantly feel pressed for time, stressed and hurried when in truth, the hours I spend dwelling on how much I have to do, would be plenty enough time to actually accomplish the tasks at hand. I guess recognizing the fact is the first step to following through with it, right? Right. Now, about that MCAT...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Greetings from outer space
...Or greetings at least from Germany.
Hildegard sent me an e-mail the other day. I lived with her during my 8 week stay in Hamburg last Summer. She wrote to say she's coming to the USA and that news in itself made my week. It will be her first time and she was headed for NYC. We haven't written more than twice each since I returned at the end of July, but I have a feeling keeping in touch with her that way is more than sufficient. It works for us, and when I go back in Summer 2011, she told me there would always be a place for me there, and I'm confident there will be. She's even (supposedly) holding onto a pair of shoes I forgot. We'll see if those old things are still around in 18 more months. Whether they are or aren't, you can bet I'll be seeing her again.
She also requested my mailing address. She's going to send me photos we took the second to last day I was there from when she took me to the North Sea. It was one of the best days of my life, and maybe that will help you imagine just how excited I am for those pictures. In return, I've decided to send her something as well. Hildegard teaches music and art and so I've decided to send her a drawing. I've just started working on a black and white sketch of the room I had in Hamburg, with the French doors swung open, looking out onto the flower covered balcony, the wooden table and chairs, the iron fence, and the tree filled sunny courtyard. It was one of the most romantic views you may ever see and I'm attempting to capture it on paper. Daunting, to say the least, but I'm picking at it a bit each day, trying to catch the detail and the charm.
Hildegard sent me an e-mail the other day. I lived with her during my 8 week stay in Hamburg last Summer. She wrote to say she's coming to the USA and that news in itself made my week. It will be her first time and she was headed for NYC. We haven't written more than twice each since I returned at the end of July, but I have a feeling keeping in touch with her that way is more than sufficient. It works for us, and when I go back in Summer 2011, she told me there would always be a place for me there, and I'm confident there will be. She's even (supposedly) holding onto a pair of shoes I forgot. We'll see if those old things are still around in 18 more months. Whether they are or aren't, you can bet I'll be seeing her again.
She also requested my mailing address. She's going to send me photos we took the second to last day I was there from when she took me to the North Sea. It was one of the best days of my life, and maybe that will help you imagine just how excited I am for those pictures. In return, I've decided to send her something as well. Hildegard teaches music and art and so I've decided to send her a drawing. I've just started working on a black and white sketch of the room I had in Hamburg, with the French doors swung open, looking out onto the flower covered balcony, the wooden table and chairs, the iron fence, and the tree filled sunny courtyard. It was one of the most romantic views you may ever see and I'm attempting to capture it on paper. Daunting, to say the least, but I'm picking at it a bit each day, trying to catch the detail and the charm.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
How I spend my days
On a day to day basis my life is busy, but seemingly a bit static. I'm in 15 hours, all of them science except a German Literature course. My classes are only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so Monday, Wednesday, Friday I work. I have two "jobs". First, I am an undergraduate teaching assistant and I teach 3 laboratories this semester to students who are not Biology majors. This is my third semester doing this and I LOVE it. I love my students, I love teaching, and I love biology. Perfect, perfect, perfect.
My second "job" really isn't a job. I'm a research assistant in a genetics lab here on campus. I have a project that I work on under the guidance of a Professor. I absolutely love that lab, and I'll probably mention it often. I love it because of the opportunities it gives me. Possibly going on to graduate school means being in a lab is a MUST. Also, IF I could get my name onto a published paper, that's what the whole song and dance is essentially about. My lab might be publishing soon, but I'm not sure if I'll be on this paper or not. I've only been with them since August. Right now I don't spend enough time in the lab, but my project is just beginning to take off, so once it does I'll hopefully have more and more to keep me occupied. I don't get paid hourly for my work here, or actually I don't have any income from the lab directly at all. I applied for two scholarships/grants and was fortunate to receive both of them. One is an Undergraduate Research Award given by KU, allotting me money in the Spring to conduct my research. The second is actually an NIH (National Institute of Health) Grant, which is pretty exciting. It will cover research in both this Spring and Summer. Together the awards sum to $8,000. This is serious cash meaning they expect serious work. And I'm looking forward to it. This Summer I'll be working in the laboratory full time, hopefully conducting "very important scientific research".
Outside of classes and work I'm generally "free" in the evenings and ALL WEEKEND. However, most of this time is spent thinking about studying. Not actually studying, just intending to and consistently finding something else to do. On a regular basis, that something else is running. Last year I got it in my head I wanted to start running after a friend of mine had me run with her in a long distance relay (more on that some other time). After the relay, I went on to run a half marathon here in Lawrence. This year I'm hoping to take it up a notch and kick out a full marathon. I've been training since December. Last week I knocked out an 18 mile run, but it was all inside on a tread mill.... that's not quite the same as the hilly streets of Lawrence! With the weather improving, I hope to get out and about very soon.
In other small areas of my day to day:
Yes, of course I attend KU basketball and watch all games. Normally, actually, I get my long treadmill runs out of the way right in front of the TV. I run and KU bball wins. Perfect. I took part in the camping groups, camping in the field house before the games. Recently also I arranged an intramural basketball team with friends and hope to have a soccer team in the Spring.
My second "job" really isn't a job. I'm a research assistant in a genetics lab here on campus. I have a project that I work on under the guidance of a Professor. I absolutely love that lab, and I'll probably mention it often. I love it because of the opportunities it gives me. Possibly going on to graduate school means being in a lab is a MUST. Also, IF I could get my name onto a published paper, that's what the whole song and dance is essentially about. My lab might be publishing soon, but I'm not sure if I'll be on this paper or not. I've only been with them since August. Right now I don't spend enough time in the lab, but my project is just beginning to take off, so once it does I'll hopefully have more and more to keep me occupied. I don't get paid hourly for my work here, or actually I don't have any income from the lab directly at all. I applied for two scholarships/grants and was fortunate to receive both of them. One is an Undergraduate Research Award given by KU, allotting me money in the Spring to conduct my research. The second is actually an NIH (National Institute of Health) Grant, which is pretty exciting. It will cover research in both this Spring and Summer. Together the awards sum to $8,000. This is serious cash meaning they expect serious work. And I'm looking forward to it. This Summer I'll be working in the laboratory full time, hopefully conducting "very important scientific research".
Outside of classes and work I'm generally "free" in the evenings and ALL WEEKEND. However, most of this time is spent thinking about studying. Not actually studying, just intending to and consistently finding something else to do. On a regular basis, that something else is running. Last year I got it in my head I wanted to start running after a friend of mine had me run with her in a long distance relay (more on that some other time). After the relay, I went on to run a half marathon here in Lawrence. This year I'm hoping to take it up a notch and kick out a full marathon. I've been training since December. Last week I knocked out an 18 mile run, but it was all inside on a tread mill.... that's not quite the same as the hilly streets of Lawrence! With the weather improving, I hope to get out and about very soon.
In other small areas of my day to day:
Yes, of course I attend KU basketball and watch all games. Normally, actually, I get my long treadmill runs out of the way right in front of the TV. I run and KU bball wins. Perfect. I took part in the camping groups, camping in the field house before the games. Recently also I arranged an intramural basketball team with friends and hope to have a soccer team in the Spring.
Friday, February 26, 2010
YourMaygon - A description of this blog
For all of you who know me, many may know all too well about my lousy ability to keep in touch day to day. At times I lead a busy life, at times I'm just lazy, and most of the time I figure that whatever is going on with me, just really isn't all that interesting. But to you, the distant reader, even the blandest things may be news, and that is precisely why I’ve created this blog - as an opportunity to open my life up to those who choose to share in it.
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