Vaccine Follow Up Questions

The previous post on vaccines generated some important questions, which I will do my best to address below:

Why does the USA vaccinate more than other western countries?

For example, some countries don't include Varicella (chicken pox), Rotavirus and HepB, but America does.

Varicella –

For many, especially children, chicken pox is very mild. However, if someone has not had chicken pox as a child and contracts it as an adult they can suffer more seriously, such as pneumonia and encephalitis. The virus can also negatively affect pregnant women and immuno-compromised people (people on chemotherapy, children with leukemia, etc.)1,2. Thus, it’s somewhat straightforward why we don’t want this virus around. To that end it seems like the US takes a holistic approach and tries to protect everyone by immunizing, well, everyone. From what I have read, countries that don’t immunize all children for varicella try to hedge their bets by guessing who is most at risk (healthcare workers, family members of compromised patients) and hoping they can catch everyone important1. In my opinion, the problem with a non-holistic approach is that it requires extensive effort to guess who may or may not need the vaccine and thereby puts those who are compromised at unnecessary risk.

Hepatitis B-

This vaccine follows similar logic to that of Varicella. That is, it is much easier to catch all children when they are young than to pick out people who may be at risk for any number of reasons later on. And this is of course the case for many, many things (such as HepA). But in the case of HepB, I think the reason to be so proactive is that the disease can be severely debilitating, including fatal, and it's not worth playing the odds. Hep-B is spread through blood contact, which can definitely, and often does, mean sex. But it can also mean the scabs and boo-boos of child life3,2.

Rotavirus -

Rotavirus is extremely contagious. As in, before the US began vaccinating, almost all children would contract it4. The virus leads to severe diarrhea, which in all people but especially infants  can lead to dehydration and worse. It is so contagious that a child is almost guaranteed to contract it if not vaccinated and the severity can range from minor to fatal4.

There are also vaccines that are only conditionally recommended, even in America. For example, HepA is only recommended for high risk people. I only received this vaccination when I went abroad as an adult

What about negative reactions to vaccinations and accidents or shady work in pharmaceutical safety tests?

Unfortunately, there is a chance for a negative reaction to almost all decisions we make. Think of the diets we readily give children. There are some very severe allergies out there and as far as I know, the main way we find out about them is when a severe reaction happens and we respond. Some vaccines have no reported negative effects, which is pretty crazy (in a good job science! way). Others do have reported serious allergic reactions, but those reactions are so rare (less than 1 in a million) that it’s actually hard to tell if it was the vaccine that caused it or not6. As for the credibility of the CDC and FDA and their regulation of drugs… that’s a tough one. There have obviously been tragic mistakes. But for the vaccine schedule of children, that issue isn’t as relevant. These vaccines have been tested and used for a long time and the CDC does extensive and constant monitoring of the safety. They actually monitor it so closely that even the suggestion of danger (not proof) has caused them to temporarily withdraw a vaccine and reconfirm its safety before further administration. (In fact, this [in the opinion of many as well as mine] was a disastrous and destructive move. An unproven claim rippled through the vaccine community, scared enough people to get the vaccine revoked only to find out it was perfectly safe. Now, the public is terrified of that vaccine, MMR, and all vaccines. That's the autism-vaccine story).

How can we feel safe when we don't know about long term side effects of the vaccine and its chemical components? 

What are we going to know in the future? …that is a huge question. That’s a question that plagues all of the medical world. What are we doing now that we are going to regret later, or look back on and say "What idiotic logic made us think that was smart!?" Who knows. We can try to guess but really, who knows? What we do know is that we are living longer with a better quality of life thanks to vaccines. In other words, whatever harm vaccines may do to 80 year olds is probably not as bad as that 80 year old dying at the age of 7 from pneumonia… which is why we as a world have chosen to vaccinate and take other “chances” in medicine. 

This answer may seem unfortunate and unsatisfactory with those struggling deeply with the idea. It may seem harsh and insensitive. But it is simply truth put bluntly. The experiment of life is ongoing. What is good? What is bad? Maybe too much espresso will give us cancer. Maybe too much time at a computer will, too. We just don't know. It's up to the individual to weigh every single one of those choices against the alternative. Should you give up coffee? Not so bad. Give up your IT job? It's hitting closer to home. Risk your child getting the measles, rotavirus or polio? The thing about this last question, though, is that we have actually done the experiments! Vaccinated children DON'T get autism, and they are also microscopically at risk for any other side effects. Not immunizing is the exceedingly more risky option.

The Amish community is known for not vaccinating, do they have higher rates of childhood illness because of this? 

I actually had not previously heard this about the Amish, but a simple google search revealed that it seems to be commonly known that Amish under-vaccinate. However, after a little more aggressive digging  I came up with two responses. 

1. A study in Illinois found that Amish vaccinate more than we thought. The rationale for why this was originally misrepresented is that Amish don’t take part in internet or phone surveys7.

2. Yes, under vaccinated communities have an increased rate of disease. In 2009, a study showed that “Children with exemptions from school immunization requirements (a measure of vaccine refusal) are at increased risk for measles and pertussis and can infect others who are too young to be vaccinated, cannot be vaccinated for medical reasons, or were vaccinated but did not have a sufficient immunologic response.”8 Seperately, it was shown this year that in counties in NY where fewer people were vaccinated there were increased cases of pertussis9.

 1. http://www.hpa.org.uk/Topics/InfectiousDiseases/InfectionsAZ/ChickenpoxVaricellaZoster/GeneralInformation/

 2. The varicella, hep b, hep a and rotavirus chapters of this government publication

3. http://www.cdc.gov/hepatitis/B/index.htm

4. http://www.cdc.gov/rotavirus/index.html

5. http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/vpd-vac/hepa/default.htm#disease

6. http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/vac-gen/side-effects.htm
7. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17133167
8. http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMsa0806477 
9. http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/132/1/37.full 

Know the facts. Vaccinate your kids.

There are many voices in the world declaring that vaccines are dangerous. That they do tragic, irreversible things to children.  Some of those voices come from politicians, from celebrities, from terrified parents and, sadly, even from some scientists. It is no wonder many in the western world were influenced by these voices. But the world has been misinformed and led astray, and it is time for the world to get back to the truth.

To kick off the discussion, I'd like to make some comments on this video, which is either depressingly misinformed, or worse, blatantly lying.

The video opens by suggesting that the tripling of vaccine amount in the last 30 years is related/causative to the autism increase. The fact that both of those things occurred means absolutely nothing. In the last 30 years we've also increased the national amount of wind turbines, internet usage and population density. But that doesn't mean we can start blaming those things for new health problems just because they overlap in time. A closer examination has revealed that the increased rate of autism is due to expansions in the definition of what it means to be autistic. That is, doctors are diagnosing people with autism spectrum disorder today whom would not have been diagnosed 30 years ago1.

Regarding the "dozens of published research papers" that claim vaccines and autsim are linked: In 1998,  British researcher Andrew Wakefield published a study claiming a link between vaccines and autism. It was immediately picked up by the press and exploded internationally. After the publication, other qualified scientists could not replicate his results, and eventually demonstrated that there is in fact no link whatsoever. To make it worse, it was later found that Wakefield purposefully falsified his data and he was stripped of his medical license for abusing the disabled children he was "studying".

There have also been others in the scientific field that have claimed to have proven that vaccines cause autism. This, to me, is tragic. As scientists, it is our responsibility to use our training and expertise to inform the public in topics which they cannot inform themselves. Unfortunately it is extremely easy for a person with some scientific background to mislead, purposefully or accidentally, an un-scientific layman, and that is precisely what has happened. Many researchers have carried out bad and flawed experiments and claimed something that isn't true. How do we know it isn't true? Because other, highly skilled researchers could not replicate the finding that vaccines cause autism. In fact, expert after expert has found the opposite and replicated the opposite: That vaccines don't cause autism. (for example: I. II. III.)

Next, there is a long monologue about the National Childhood Vaccine Act, which I think is completely ludicrous. Whether or not the government acted rightly or wrongly with how they dealt with the issue, it has absolutely no effect on whether or not vaccines actually cause autism! It is simply a way to distract and aggravate the viewer, without informing them in any way with relevant truth. What does it matter who was sued? It is ridiculous to even think that a court could or should have a say on this question. Masters are not trained in biology or medicine! So why would you expect them to be able to choose for the nation whether or not vaccines are safe? Of course there are contradictory rulings!


Finally, a complete lie in this film claims the government has never looked into the effects of the "vaccine surge". In fact, it's pretty easy to find articles thoroughly looking into the effects of the "surge" and finding that there is absolutely no ill effect, and in fact, the amount of active substance has actually decreased. For example, this study from 2002, and this one from 2012. Furthermore, the American Academy of Pediatrics clearly says "there is no scientific reason for or benefit to separating the vaccines. By separating them, we are putting children (and pregnant women who may be exposed to them) at increased risk by extending the amount of time they go unvaccinated"2.

The Truth
The truth is that vaccines don't cause autism. The truth is that you shouldn't trust the TV, your neighbor or your politician with something as precious as your child's health. Study after study has shown that vaccines, whether given many at a time or separated over development, do not have any association with autism. That is, whether or not a child has been vaccinated has absolutely no correlation with a child getting autism. Did you vaccinate your child? Your child is no more likely to get autsim than an unvaccinated child. Did you not vaccinate your child? You are compromising the health of your child and your community. Do you think that herd immunity will keep you safe? Or maybe you know a family that has grown, unvaccinated children who are still healthy? You can only play Russian roulette with your health so long before an outbreak occurs. Plus, you are likely living in a community with like-minded, unvaccinated families, only increasing the risk of you and those close to you, like this community in Texas.

Don't compromise you or your children's health. Don't weaken the herd immunity that protects those who aren't healthy enough to get vaccinated. Vaccinate your kids. And if you're scared, confused, or unmoved by my post, contact me. I will do my best to explore your fears and questions, and maybe together we can work through the aggressively opposing arguments to find safety and truth on the other side.


1. http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10803-012-1566-0
2. http://www2.aap.org/immunization/families/autismfacts.html

Roles vs Restrictions: Women and Men

First, a hopefully helpful but absolutely necessary comment on taking verses out of context:
If you want to develop your understanding of a Christian life, you need to bring the whole bible into discussion, not 0.05% of it.
          You can't understand calculus if you leave out algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seems to me one of greatest stumbling blocks in Christianity is the idea of authority; women are not to be in positions of ultimate authority within the church, and women are told to submit to their husbands. We struggle with this. Why aren't women and men exactly the same? Why don't they do at all times and all places the exact same thing? The obvious answer for that is, well, they aren't exactly the same. This is easiest to perceive in our physiology; although we have many, many similarities because we are both humans, we still have different parts which have different functions. This tangible, irrefutable difference is easily and openly accepted, and I at least don't regularly hear anyone arguing that women are superior or inferior because they are the ones to carry the baby for 9 months. We don't debate it. It is what it is.

Move over to the intangible and we are not so okay with the idea of differences. Why is that? We all accept that there are women and there are men, right? We accept they have fundamentally different roles in certain physical processes, right? Is it so hard to believe that they have different roles spiritually? It's okay to want to be equal, because we are; we are all one in Christ (Galatians 3:28). But, don't kid yourself, women and men are different. Mull that over a while if you still struggle with it.

Please remember the above point: strip away culture, strip away tradition, strip away in some cases a history of ruthless suppression, and you STILL HAVE fundamental differences between women and men. Societies may have abused women, but it didn't create them. Women and men are different no matter what culture has to say about it. Do you accept this point? That regardless of all of the good and bad cultural overlay, women and men are different? Recognizing and distinguishing that there are two sexes doesn't make you OR the bible sexist.

Now that we've set the table, let's lay out the meat. Just as women and men were created with certain different physical roles, they have different spiritual roles as well. In the garden before the fall, God made Adam and gave him commands; then, He made Eve. Adam was to share God's role for him with Eve, and Eve was to help Adam fulfill God's commands to shepherd all living things and their lives together would glorify God. Thus: Eve was subject to Adam; she helped him carry out the command given him by God. That isn't a bad thing! In fact, Adam wasn't adequate, he wasn't "good", without Eve! And that's the relationship that is to be reflected in our marriages today: both persons seeking the will of the Lord. Unfortunately, because of the fall, this by default has to look differently than it did in the garden because all things have been distorted by sin, but we are to strive for righteousness nonetheless. This means worshiping and serving the Lord as close to the manner that was in Eden as we can, and how we do that is laid out in the bible, for example, in the popularly misinterpreted Ephesians.

If you examine a Christian marriage (that is, one where both people are striving for righteousness; not where one or both may or may not occasionally sit in a pew), it's a complete partnership - it is one-ship. The idea of one member ruling over the other is beyond comprehension, because in such a relationship both people view their spouse as part of themselves - they are one being. How does such a marriage come into existence and then persist in this perverse world? It happens when people stop being obsessed with themselves and look together to the Lord.

If you or someone you know has experienced oppression or abuse, and even if they experienced it under the facade of "Christian teaching", it wasn't Christian! People are flawed and can do horrendously wrong things, I will be the first to agree with you on that and will never try to excuse bad/horrible behavior.  But God's word and God's will (not to be confused with our attempt at carrying it out) are perfect. Don't judge Him on what we, even and especially Christians, as humans do; that's just a foolish argument. Would you judge Mozart as a failure if you heard his symphonies played by untrained 5th graders? Don't judge the Lord based on humankind's iniquities.

Women's Roles in the church

Until recently, the most boat-rocking experience I had encountered in my life as a Christian was when I stumbled over women's roles in the church. The distinctions (which I may have previously inappropriately dubbed "limitations") hit me like a solid blow to the chest. I was not used to being told I couldn't do something because I was a woman, and definitely not by people who I thought loved me. In my head the roles of men and women translated into the distaste and disinterest of the church in my faith. They didn't care about what I had to offer, and didn't want me to be active in church life.

Confused by the unfathomable amount of love I felt coming from the same group of people who seemed to be smothering and diminishing my worth, I put myself into a tizzy. Upset and discouraged, I dove into the scriptures and sought advice from people I trusted. Okay okay, first I lost my grip and had to be gently but firmly brought back to reality by someone wise beyond his years and loving beyond my ability to comprehend. Additionally, I prayed and prayed.

I never came to an "A-ha!" moment, but I did find some peace. I believe with all my heart that the words of the scriptures are right and true, and to the best of my ability I am determined not to warp them to my wishes or to support my desires. With that as my foundation, there are enough passages in scripture to confirm that there are things women do that men do not, and there are things that men do that women do not do. End of story.

The fudgey part is in the details... that's why I said I have found some peace. If one were to ask me to give definitively what a woman should and should not do, my answer would have clear and murky points, and almost all of them would be feebly supported. I feel that women are not meant to be in complete authority, as is said in 1 Tim 2:11-12, but I don't listen at all to the need to keep my head covered. Why don't I listen to that last part? Ask me in a few months. I'm currently reading the whole bible, and am praying for peace on the matter to come in time. For now, the best I can say is that people I trust as God loving and fearing men and women also don't heed the head covering passage, so, neither do I.

The pain caused by the topic of roles was compounded by my then growing desire to share my faith with the church. Regularly I sat and listened to the testimony of others and was moved and motivated by their words. Desperately I wanted to return the favor by offering my own testimony, fueled by my ever increasing passion for God. As a new believer, the furnace in my heart was ablaze and I longed to yell it from the mountain tops and edify the men and women who had already done so much to edify me.

But then I found out I couldn't. I couldn't get up in front of the church and tell them about how Jesus touched my life, about the role He plays and the glory of God. The one major yearning in my heart... and I was forbidden from it...

Stop.

That's where I got it all wrong. No one was cutting my vocal chords. No one was turning their head and refusing to listen. It is true, I had felt an overwhelming desire to sing and preach, and in truth, I still do. But when I found out I couldn't do it in the very specific way I wanted, I grew angry and developed tunnel vision. If I couldn't preach... I couldn't do anything! There wouldn't be any way to edify the church! There wouldn't be any way for me to be a functioning member of the body!

Oh, praise the Lord that I have overcome that. It was a dark place in my head at those times. Dark and suffocating. But then, something happened and I was able to realize there are so many roles in the church, and all of them so powerful and crucial. In fact, some of the most profound influences that acted on me were the behind the scenes and under the surface goodness, gentleness and service shown to me by... women! Godly, amazing women. If I could follow their lead and touch even just one life as these women have touched mine, I would feel like I have pleased the Lord.

The moral of this blog goes like this:
I don't know what the precise roles of women are, but I do understand that women and men were created with distinct roles because, well, some people are women and some people are men. If there wasn't a reason for both of us, we wouldn't have both been made in Eden. As a woman, I feel called to share with others, and though I haven't found precisely the way I am best suited to do this, I am open to whatever method the Lord has for me, and am at peace that I was not made for ultimate authority. Even more so, I have come to realize that Godly women are such beautiful creatures that we often barely see them at work, more commonly we just enjoy and are blessed by them long before realizing their service.

If that is the woman God has called me to be, that would be fine with me. In fact, I would say Praise the Lord.

Our Home

I think one of the best features of our apartment is the window arrangement. Both our bedroom and living room are flooded with natural light from morning until late afternoon. It does amazing things for my mood and it makes our cozy home all the happier. Since moving in during Sept 2011, we have slowly but surely been filling this sunny space with treasures found for free. Wire racks, book cases, seat and ottoman, wicker chair and couch; we've collected a small house-full. Additionally, I've been ever so gradually personalizing the space with crafts of my own. I have a habit of going into hobby and art stores and refusing to buy things because I think "I could make that".For instance, I really like the words on the wall idea you see at some craft stores, so I made my own. These were inspired by the bridal march at our wedding: "It's Real Love" by Regina Spektor. Additionally, one of the envelopes from our wedding had a beautifully drawn heart made from our names, so I drew a flower containing our wedding anniversary and used the drawings to complete a frame of wedding pictures.

I find bible verses rejuvenating, emboldening, sometimes convicting, and in every way just great to have around, so I filled up another frame with daisies (yes, more flowers) and some favorite verses. I plan to draw up more verses that I can swap in and out of the frame depending on what's happening in my life and what words of God's are most poignant to that period.








Finally, I'm attempting to give up buying greeting cards. I really enjoy greeting cards. I think they can be very pretty and uplifting and I greatly enjoy giving them to people. To me, the moment (or hopefully more) of joy that overcomes someone when they open a nice card is worth the money or the effort that goes into them. Recently I've noticed that the cards I am most drawn to are actually quite simple designs. So... I've decided to try my hand at my own.

The most precious gems

A quick review:
Since May I have graduated from college, been engaged, married, visited Europe and moved across the country. I know live in New England with my wonderful husband, Adam. Currently I am applying to graduate schools with the hope of beginning studies next fall. I'm interested in molecular and cellular biology programs, just like that husband of mine. During this off year I am also working part time as a tutor and dog walker; I enjoy both very much.

I told my husband recently that every time I attend church or read from the bible or some other Christian writing, I walk away with a new idea or understanding about life and Christ. It’s like I’m constantly collecting little gems radiant with color and energy and with each one I collect I want to shine it and explore it’s endless facets. As I continue to collect them, I realize the light they give off creates a picture, which ever so slightly allows a glimpse of the truth in life. If there has ever been something addicting, something exciting, something electrifying, something that makes complete and utter sense, what this picture shows you is it. For example, you might stumble upon the gem that when you pray in Christ’s name, you can move mountains. Maybe you go home and try it and a mountain in your life is thrown into the sea. Splash. How can you take your eyes off of that gem now? I imagine, in this little picture I’m developing in my mind, your eyes would grow large as you stare in disbelief and astonishment at the power of this tiny gem that’s been freely set into your hands. Delicately you place it before you and it gives off that glowing ray of light in which you see is Goodness, Righteousness, Truth, shining through from heaven into this dark world.

Each gem can shine because the holder believes and lives in the way that the gem teaches them to. Christ left behind endless gems for us to collect and the bible overflows with them, but they cannot truly shine until we bring them out and allow them to radiate through our lives. You don't have to be a Pastor or a great theologian to share them. By cherishing them yourself, you begin to give off the same sort of shine that they do. Unknowingly you radiate joy, peace, compassion and love onto those around you.
We cannot know heaven before we reach it. We can't. It is so beyond human comprehension. These gems we collect, they help us take a tiny peak at what perfect life with God is like. I am also confident that once you collect just one, you won't be able to ever look away. It's so profound, it is nearly impossible.

The room for gems in my life is without bound. You might say I crave them. I look forward to bible studies and church services, reading the bible and other Christian works, and seeking God's guidance in gathering them into my life while shining and sharing those I already have. No matter where you are as a Christian, and even as a non-believer, if you approach God with an open heart, you will find these gems. On this earth you can never hold them all, and it will always be worth your time to look for more.

Momentarily Shipwrecked

I'm afraid I may be finding myself spiritually shipwrecked. I feel as though I'm caught, static, unmoving. I don't feel as though I am regressing; I don't believe I am sinking. But I'm halted. I'm stuck on an island and looking out at the ocean of spirituality around me and I long to journey out into it. My ship though seems to be stalled, stuck on something, and I'm too eager (or stubborn or in denial or selfish) to assess the problem and fix it. Instead, I dive back into the water, head first, energetic and I swim feverishly...but I tire quickly, and must return to my island.

I think part of the problem is that I don't actually have a ship yet. I've traveled this far in a boat. My boat served me well; it carried me deep into the waters of faith and righteousness, but because I desire to travel further and sail through harder winds, my boat is no longer sufficient. Nor can my boat carry much luggage, and certainly very few other passengers.

I've gotten this far and avoided regression, because I have other sailors around me, guiding me, giving me lifts and pushes and leadership, and they are still with me today. But to move forward and brave the deeper water, I must learn to build and man a larger ship.

So, how do I get a bigger boat?

I suppose I need something to build it out of. I need lumber and nails. I need more faith and more prayer.

Although I could list many factors possibly acting in my shipwreck, I think the core of it is my relentless yearning to know my place. My place in the Church; my station in God's army. Furthermore, I've come to identify my greatest enemy as my pride, and closely related to that, my selfishness and envy. I look around and see people that seem so righteous, who have been living the good life all of their lives, and I have only so recently even climbed into my boat. And I am caught with jealousy that they have served so long, and I am embarrassed to offer myself and my piddly servant-hood to God. What use is it when there are these other, glorious servants? I do not fit into their group. I'm a big eyed outsider longing to take part. To overcome this insecurity I grasp at possibilities for how I might bring something to God's church. I dive in and swim without direction, and am upset and discouraged when my haste makes waste.

I feel so limited; limited in so many ways. I read about the gifts, about teachers teaching and prophets prophesying. But I cannot prophesy, and I have not been given the gift of exhortation. Based on my previous post, you'll know I can barely bring up scripture without red eyes. I am not particularly brave, and I don't know my bible very well (yet!). I've tried looking around at others, what their more subtle gifts are. I watch the women, and many seem to just emanate goodness; like a gift from God. But surely I don't have that; I was baptized barely 6 months ago. We list often the different ways a person might share Christ through small things, and I agree wholly with every word, but certainly that isn't me. I can't see my light shining through that...

And therein, friends, lies the problem. I do not pick my gift. I do not pick the way God wants me to serve Him. But I'm so restless, I'm so impatient. I don't want to wait, I want to improve the lives of my beloved, my friends, my family, my neighbors right now. I want to leave them full of Christ.

But I am still in a very little boat, caught on an island. I cannot carry all these people in this little boat, and I won't get a ship until I quit wanting wanting wanting, and start willingly waiting with my hands open and upward. The tools were certainly fall into my palms, in their time.

Love brings tears

Come in closely, friend, and I'll tell you a secret.

I have a hard time talking about God and not crying.

Ever sense I truly came to know him, I've developed into a rather lachrymose person. I'm not saying I bawl or sob, but tears almost always well behind my eyes and often trickle out, dependent on just how long I'm talking.

It seems to occur much regardless of topic. I'm not downhearted or morose; it happens when I offer prayers of thanks and jubilation, and even when I simply discuss a question over scripture. It is almost exclusively provoked, though, when it is me to speak. It is much rarer for me to be moved to tears from simply listening (but on those occasions, I must say they are beautiful, and I welcome them 10 times daily if I have the chance).

It's something like this...
I was reading this verse _____ the other day, and it had this effect on me. Have you ever thought about it that way. Do you think that was the intention?
And wah-lah, the back of my eyes are burning.

I'm not speaking to the crowd, I can be speaking to my fiance, who I trust with every part of me, including my insecurities. So why do I feel this warmth behind my eyes when I discuss this parable?

I think, my friends, it is because I am discussing something that I love so intensely but with a love that I do not fully understand. With a love that I have not grown accustomed to, and hope I never do. With a love that I know I do not deserve to be loved back with, but yet I am, and perfectly. I am loved back so completely, I can feel it on me as I speak about it; I can feel it surrounding me as I share a little about it with my neighbor. It fills my heart and my heart overflows to the space behind my eyes where it finds a way to fall out onto my cheeks.

I do not wish this to ever fall away, to ever disappear. My tears are the realization that I have the pleasure, the honor, the magnificent blessing, to talk about this perfect, gracious love. Who am I to be given that chance? And yet, it has been given to me. And I am so thankful, so humbled, that I cry.

Although I do hope to subdue this reaction to a point that I might carry out long discussions on any righteous topic without needing (too many) tissues, I hope never to become completely dry eyed. That, I think, would be a sad day.

A baby step to boldness

God smiled upon me today. He saw my need; He saw my outstretched hand. But He didn't just fulfill the minimum, He didn't just get me by.

He took me up into His arms and held me today.

I've been contemplating my role recently; seeking to find my place in God's family, my station in His army. Daily I am positively affected and moved by those around me. Their actions, their words, their inescapable beauty and the radiance of their spirit. They don't even seem to try; they just glow. But, I then think, what's my role? Where is my voice, my boldness.... where is my light? On some days I truly do just contemplate and trust God that my light is there. But on other days I lose faith. I become frightened and lose self-esteem because I know my voice doesn't affect change like others'. Because my lips don't produce the powerful movement of soul that others instill in me. I still struggle with bible basics. What can I bring to anyone's table? It's not that I want to wow or stun with my stories and diction, I just yearn to support Christ's church. I long to give back to the unending love and grace that it has handed freely to me.

Last night, there was no more uncertainty. I knew God was calling me to a task. I won't belabor the point or drag out the details. Basically, I'd been avoiding it, and finally I could avoid it no more. I was still scared and nervous and basically without any game plan, but, that just wasn't going to be enough to stop me anymore. God said: Do this. Finally I said: Yes.

All I want to do with this blog is say, Thank you Father, for your forgiveness, your patience and your guidance.

Am I suddenly bold and fearless? Uh... NO! In truth, little has yet been revealed to me that answers the questions I posed at the beginning of this blog, but I'm willing to be more trusting of Him and His plan and place for me, and I'm again reassured by His perfect grace at my times of despair and need. I've been tormented by this for so long, and once I finally gave in He immediately held me, He guided me. He lifted my heart that I might breathe a little better and take another baby step forward in my walk with Him.

Why, why do I fight Him?

May all of you find refuge in His arms.
:)

A splendid revelation

A lot of small revelations, studies and readings have been building in my head and heart recently, and in truth, a few could have served as seeds for a blog all their own, but have yet to grow to into a mature post. Finally, after a few mergings and mixings, a blog post has arrived. The two core parts of which stem from my Monday night college women's bible study.

1. One night a few weeks ago, we were discussing the tendency to seek a human for solutions to problems before we seek God's own guidance. Or, perhaps God comes first when it is something fanciful that we want, a new car, a new house, a good grade, to win the game... but friends first when it's a relationship problem, unsureness over the future, work issues or the like. Why is that? How far does the pattern go? The girls around me admitted they had "that one friend" they always went to first, or even the groups of friends they confided in long before sharing desires and tribulations with God. The opportunity came for me to share, and I admitted I struggled less with going to a friend first, but admitted further it was for lack of "that friend", instead of rightful desire to seek God first. This realization bugged me, to say the least. I felt distant from God and ashamed that my first impulses weren't to go to Him. Some of the girls tried to assure me I was closer to right than they simply because I didn't run to a girlfriend to vent my feelings, but I knew the truth in my heart, and God did too (Hebrews 4:12). My trust in God to support me was just as lacking whether or not I dumped my trials on a human friend.

2. Generally, while winding down from our study, we go around the room to hear from each member of their current life trials and prayer concerns that we might support one another through the week. Recently, as I listened about ailing parents, fear of future plans, stress over tests, and struggling friendships, I found myself at a loss at what to share concern about. Now, I'm not trying to fool anyone; I've got stressors, I've got worries, I've got sick family members and struggling relationships, but at that moment, I was just hit with how fully, despite it all, I was blessed. I was really blown away in the moment and prayed immediately in my heart Thank you Lord, for my blessings. In fact, I was so moved by the power of it all, after study I drove myself out to an isolated area of country and sat in my car looking up and the stars and feeling God speak to me. Again, it wasn't that my life was/is void of problems and pains, but suddenly I could see God's blessings in all of them, and I realized over the evening how big the current stage in my life is, and what God is currently doing with me. He's calling me. He's talking to me and slowly, carefully, purposefully building our relationship.

All of this suddenly came together in a striking realization, God had brought me to this moment in life to concentrate on focusing on Him. Right here and now He has carefully allowed me to set many things aside and talk to Him, learn about Him, and bring myself closer to Him; He has brought special, wonderful people into my life to guide, support, and challenge me, to show me love and peace and faith... and it's working.

Now, I'm not trying to claim my life is just dandy, I've been struggling, I've been dissatisfied, I've been anxious. I've been struggling with trust, with faith in God's plan for my future; I've been anxious about my ability to make a good life from the one I have; I've been dissatisfied with the limited relationship I've allowed Christ to build with me so far. But all of this together has made me hungry, insatiable for stories of Christ and tales from the Bible. I'm excited for every Bible study and moved by every message. I'm not suffering; spiritually, I'm green and growing. I'm thirsty, but it's a good thirst, and I hope all the more I drink, that I never stop desiring more. It was weird, really, when the thought struck me. It wasn't so much as Hey, maybe God's doing this, but rather a plain realization that this is what is happening. Now, it could have been my mind had just successfully put 2 and 2 together to get 4... or maybe God just revealed the 4 to me and thus it was my core that knew it, not my brain. Regardless, I know that it is happening in me right now, and I'm excited, nervous and electric with joy that God loves me, that God loves all of us. Hearing God call, in the midst of my fear and anxiety over the present, past and future (of my spiritual life, not my school, work, etc life) is the most gracious, strengthening, magnificent, perfect gift, that only God is capable of giving, and which He so lovingly gives to us all.

Baptized

Oh internet world, where have I been? It's been eons! Or, perhaps at least a month. I don't aim to justify my absence, but I'll explain what filled it in the paragraphs to follow. I think you'll see I was at least up to something; something quite, QUITE good.

The last time I posted was a quick note that I had set the day for my baptism.
It's been done.

My day of new life was Thursday, February 3rd, 2011, and it was a great, great day. In fact, after setting the day on Sunday, my whole week was full of emotion and anticipation. The experience itself changed my life (saved it, to use the correct verb) and the moments around it will certainly be cherished all of my days. The air that night felt alive to me, electric, vibrating, and as I prepared to walk down and confess my sins during the invitation song (Are you washed in the blood, by the way) my chest swelled with love and truth like I've felt it swell before, when my heart is truly open to God. I received a blessed hug from a man who has played deep and positive role in my life, more so than he has any idea of, I am certain. I confessed Christ as Lord and Savior at the close of the song and was joined by another close, dear family member in Christ into a side room to prepare for my baptism. There, she looked at me and said "Dear, this is the best day of your life" to which I answered "I know". She hugged me tightly and reminded me that 10,000 angels would be singing in heaven the moment I entered the family. I again smiled. Anything more would have been a waterfall from my eyes.

God is good, friends.
God is faithful, true, and loving.
When I came up from the water, I could feel His arms pull me forth, pull me close, and celebrate that He had me.
I try to hug Him back, everyday, every moment. I slip, of course, or I grow distant, but I am confident that simply remembering that day, remembering that feeling, I will remember that God will never let me go. I am His forever.

I was greeted by my church family with literally, open arms. Words escaped me and I was unapologetically smiley. My boyfriend, a remarkable man and unparalleled influence of good in my life, awaited me near the front row, impatient to throw his arms around me and welcome me to his true family. Later he brought me pure white tulips that he'd successfully kept hidden despite my having been with him on arriving to the church. I cherish those tulips (present tense, because I still have most of them, dried and decorating my room). They represent so much to me, and always will. Yet more treasured, though, is the absence of the dark weight in my core, near my heart, that has been replaced by the grace of my Lord and Savior.

BAPTISM

Here it is! The moment we've been waiting for. Edit: the moment I have been waiting for. I will be baptized on February 3, 2011!

It was decided this Sunday; the time had just come. I could feel it, I knew it and I have SO much more to say on the matter...! I've been wanting to blog about it all week, but I've been so excited, everything that comes out from beneath my fingers and into the computer just doesn't catch everything that I'm feeling! The amount and emphasis and feeling available to express myself here is so limited by silly words and letters.

I will never be able to be perfect, but I'm willing to dedicate my life to striving for it.

--and this water symbolizes baptism that now saves you also—not the removal of dirt from the body but the pledge of a clear conscience toward God. It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus Christ
1 Peter 3:21

January Check-in

Hello Readership,

I haven't written in a long time. I apologize. Recently I've taken up reading the New Testament. I hope to finish it in about 5 months. It's amazing really, reading it. It's addictive, exciting, moving. When I read I keep a journal with me and take notes on things that confuse me, that I don't understand, that I find exceptionally powerful; really, just about anything. After reading Matthew, my notes were somewhat more overwhelming than I intended, but so be it. I've been fortunate on some days to read in the presence of someone knowledgeable in the bible and God's great love, who helps me explore deeper the truth I am reading, and it truly, truly is a blessing. I cannot tell you, although I hope you are all familiar with, what an immense feeling it is to open the Bible, read, and freely, openly, enthusiastically discuss it with another. It is one great thing to study openly in church, but to leave and find outside the church's walls other spirits as excited and curious as you by the Word... is regeneration for the heart impossible to replicate. At least, I feel it is so.

I'm drawing ever nearer to my baptism. It's a matter of days possibly, or perhaps a few weeks; I have personal issues I need to pray on as it nears. The closer it comes, the more the absolute, extreme, unyielding realization of my need for baptism grows and grows. In my heart, I desire above all else to be baptized into the Lord's great Church, and curl up in his arms and stay there forever. I am absolutely the definition of in no way worthy, but the Lord is faithful, and if I ask and believe, so shall I receive. So, Readership, if you are so inclined and willing, I am going to go ahead and ask for your prayers. Please pray for me, and pray for those in my life. Those who I have hurt, those who I have sinned against, and those to who I might someday be a source of light, like the multitude of Good people have been to me.

Peace that passes understanding

I've been spiritually tossing and turning all week and was struggling at heart in need for some renewal. Not in a familiar city, I spent Tuesday night reading from the gospels and scouring the yellow pages for churches of the area and looking them up online. Finally finding one that I really liked AND had service on Wednesdays, I attended... Glory to God in how He delivers precisely what we need!!

Last night, I drug my feet and brought my heavy, guilty heart into this church, and I tell you as I stood and sang the first hymn, the renewing power of worship flooded into my very soul and gave me new strength. No great sermon had been given, no moving prayer shared, I simply joined other children of Christ and sang "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" and I prayed in my heart glory glory glory and thank you God for our new born King.

The message did, in fact, turn out to be great and our study revolved primarily around Philippians 4. Was it written for me? I walked into that church with a knotted spirit and within minutes we read:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:6-7

Thank you, Lord.

We read: find whatever things are good and think about them! Think about what you have learned in God and put it into practice.
I heard: Meg, be strong in every situation, for you can do everything through Me.


And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. The peace of God, which goes beyond present, past and future, beyond economic, physical, romantic and emotional fear, God's peace transcends all. God's peace transcends my hurt and confusion and turmoil, transcends chaos and hate and war and gives strength, simply by rejoicing and following Him. Peace glows through all darkness because those seeking the light of Good will always find a ray, even if it emanates from the peace within themselves.

If you haven't read Philippians 4 recently, I recommend it to you now.

Peace be with you.

Keeping the gift unwrapped

Sometimes, in moments of struggle and personal turmoil, in my weakness I allow myself to slip into a feeling of isolation. I feel alone, helpless, lost spiritually. I realize that I am so, so far from perfect. I know my sins and count them and I resent the world around me. Then, I feel guilt for that resentment and my isolation spirals. The amount of time I allow these feelings to persist varies, but on the whole I realize my wrong quicker and quicker each time, and return swiftly to what I know will tell me the truth; I remember to Seek Him First.

Talking about perfection a few weeks ago, the study leader finished his exploration of the perfect with a simple thought: the perfect is perfecting towards perfection.
In my lack of understanding I was underwhelmed, he followed up his original sentence with an explanation: the perfect bible is perfecting us toward perfection, God and Son.

The bible and its lessons and words put me in my place every time, sometimes simply at the thought. I see its red cover and gold writing and know exactly what I am going to find, and the hopelessness around me shrinks. Who am I to think the world is so hard? To think I am so alone? I am so, so very far from alone. I am so far from helpless. I have asked Christ to accept me, forgive me, for salvation. And He has answered Yes. I do not have to earn Him by obtaining perfection, for in this I will never succeed. Jesus asks for nothing but to glorify Him, to follow His example, and Seek the Kingdom in all we do. Goodness, humility, benevolence, patience, belief, hope.

I can breathe again.
Christ, I can do that for you. I can Seek Your Kingdom. I can give my all in complete good conscience to following your lead.
I feel ashamed for letting my problems overcome me, as if somehow my sins couldn't be forgiven, somehow my load was too great to bear. Were those words in my head? No. But they were the subconscious thoughts that fueled my feeling of isolation; I had rewrapped the greatest gift of all and set it back under the tree.

With this gentle and giant revelation I am renewed to take on the world around me again, renewed to strive to be the good Christian I want to be, renewed with strength, patience, clarity and knowledge that Good always prevails. My problems still exist, life still goes on, but Love replaces fear.

Our Father gave us all the very first and most glorious Christmas gift, and it is given for eternity; let us all remember to keep it unwrapped and in use at all times.

Glory to God in the Highest Heaven, and peace on earth to all whom He favors.

Verses I pray on repeat

There are a sampling of verses that even at my lowest moments quickly set me straight, lift me up, and renew my spirit. They help me check my decisions and my heart, help give me strength when I'm down and trampled, and give me hope when everything seems dark. They are so consistently running through my mind it was only a matter of time before they ended up here, shared with you. So without further ado, I hope you enjoy your peek inside the heart and mind of Meg.

First,
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. The aforementioned Matthew 6:33.

Not to be a broken record, but this could definitely be titled my mantra. It is, unfortunately, true to say that this rolls through my mind much more frequently when I'm struggling than when I'm succeeding. The blog post before this goes more in depth, so I'll just reiterate briefly.... this verse fits in every aspect, moment, and obstacle in your life. Feeling worthless, challenged, or lost; if you're grieving, scared, or weak... remember Seek first the kingdom of God. Right there. Right. There. Truth, guidance, strength. This verse is so powerful in it's verity.
(side note, feeling successful, on top and dominating? This verse definitely still fits! But if I have forgotten, I seek to retain my humility and remember: For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not? 1 Corinthians 4:7)

Second
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not trust your own insight. Proverbs 3: 5-6

This, too, gets murmured on repeat by me, especially in times of great trial. Often it is all too easy (maybe subconscious?) that I could construe what God's will might be into what I want God's will to be for me. This verse, however, helps me let go of that last rope I'm clinging to; it helps me release my final finger from the controls. This could mean not praying for guidance while holding onto my own opinion on what the outcome should be. This could mean admitting something I'm trying to justify really is just wrong.
In short:
Don't judge (myself or others). Don't decide. Don't rationalize. Don't think of and for myself. Don't plan. God's insight, not mine.
That's rough though isn't it? What is God's will? What is my own? --- I pray with an open heart and believe God will guide me. I pray it again and again until I release what I'm holding onto. Trust me, I can feel it. I can feel my whole body give it up when finally I stop fighting and start trusting God.

Third
The word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing until it divides soul from spirit, joints from marrow; it is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12
Able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
This one helps keep me honest. Of course God knows all of our thoughts and intentions, but hearing the words play through your head, why even bother trying to fool yourself with something untrue? The rough but real question - Am I acting out of love or out of secret hope for selfish return? Even at my best, selfish motives always long to drive my thoughts and actions. Most challenging, however, is when the answer is not obvious. It is not always easy to tell what my true motives are, even when I don't feel mischievous or self serving. Some people might say its natural to want to watch out for yourself first. Well, selfishness does not define love, it defines what love is not.



Yep, there we have it. These verses renew and align my spirit. They remind me that serving myself is not necessary (or good, ouch) for eternal happiness and life (see Matthew 6:33). They keep me in check in case I'm trying to fool others (or even God) subconsciously or purposefully. Those things may seem more harsh than rejuvenating, but really, most often that is all they do: set me straight and build me up. It certainly doesn't hurt to know that no matter my failure or success, if my heart is true and good, God knows. If I give it my all, if I mean well and work truly in good conscience, that is all He asks, for then we return to the beginning -

Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness.

:) :) :)
Amen

Lost Luggage and Purpose in Life

Thanksgiving this year means a week visiting the parents in Maine. Now our 3rd or 4th time up, this particular trip was rough. We (my brother, Aaron, and I) flew Delta for the first time. They were unorganized, poorly staffed and delayed delayed delayed. Then,

they lost our luggage.

The dreaded side effect of flying. Furthermore, there were no Delta attendants to be found the entire airport over excepting one lost looking woman who could only tell us "Come back tomorrow". That night, as the carousel spun and our bags didn't appear, I felt no panic, no anger, rage or waywordness. I stood there thinking little more than "Ah, our bags got lost". I knew we would notify the necessary people (albeit none were actually around that evening) and in a few days time the luggage would show up. I hugged my mother, we chatted, we went home.

Sitting around the house last night and today with nothing but the clothes I'd been wearing and whatever I'd chosen to carry-on with me, I was pleased to find I had done a rather good job packing my carry-on. Personally, I like to travel as lightweight as possible. I'm not a "pack an extra change of clothes and toothbrush" person. Thus, the contents were simply:

Laptop and charger
Water bottle
Identification and moolah (that is, $)
A book to read
A journal
Notes from and pictures of my boyfriend
My bible

As I unpacked these things onto my bed, still enjoying my sense of calm despite the er, storm, you might say, I really hit a comfortable high. I felt good. Everything I could possibly need, right there. All of my clothes, shoes, presents, makeup... didn't have any of it. What I did have though, (most importantly, those last two) were all the things that reminded me of my worth, and the good things in the world.

I'm happy to tell you we were reunited with our bags by 3 pm the following day. Nonetheless, the experience motivated this newest post. It's beyond easy to get caught up in the moment. To get lost in the big and small of things. There are so many things that distract me, that envelope me so that I sometimes can't see beyond them. The bag dilemma was a minor hiccup of less than a day but in life, I have enough big deal issues that when I'm not careful, sneak into my brain, grow and smother me:
Am I going to graduate with good enough grades?
Am I prepared for the next step in my schooling?
Am I even choosing the right career path?
Where am I going to live?
Do I have enough money to support myself?
Will I make a good wife?
Am I going to have a family?
Am I going to be a good mother to my kids?

I know, these questions kind of take off on you, but it's true. At least for me. There are good days, where I feel either smart, financially stable, directed, or exceptionally motherly. But there are bad days, where I feel undirected, rushed, confused, and like I'm just not acceptable to ever wed, let alone raise children. Those days are rough, if you can imagine. And I'm sure others of you know the feeling. Sometimes I can talk myself out of it. I'm being irrational. I'm blowing it out of proportion. But sometimes it's harder to shake. Sometimes the evidence, whether past experiences or events, shortcomings or fear of the future become too great to shake and I get lost beating myself up. Saying I can't, I'm not smart enough, or it's so unlikely I'd succeed or I've made too many mistakes, there's no recovering. I start making lists, I start picking out every possible place of failure I can imagine. This won't happen because this, this and this. It's impossible, it's terrible, you're crazy. Then I get scared, I get nervous, I feel anxious, suffocated, and lost.

You only get one life, am I making the right choices? Are the bad choices I've already made going to ruin everything else? Is any of this worth it?

Matthew 6:33
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Yep, I just hit you with a bible verse. And a great, wonderful, powerful one. This verse, in the heat of chaos, in the moment of intense despair, worthlessness or fear, this verse turns everything over, this verse takes everything away and leaves nothing but calm, warm feelings of strength and direction. Even when you are unsure, even when you feel lost, if you take every unsure step with an eye to the Lord, if you seek good in all your decisions, even the hard, scary, painful ones, you can rest assured that all things will be given. This verse is the mantra that gets me through every day, and the one that pulled me through some rough revelations of the last few months. Want to make sure your day is worth living? Remember Matthew 6:33, and it will be. It will be happier, more fulfilled and less stressful too, guaranteed.

Now, I'm not saying I meditate on this verse and hear the words go to Tuft's, have 3 kids wander into my brain. I simply am calmed by the realization that my time here on earth is finite. That I have, most definitely, made a multitude of mistakes, and will most certainly make more. But, if my every decision and action is made in good conscience, if my heart is in the right place, that, in the end, in the terms of eternity, that's what matters.

In a bible study the other day we discussed how when God forgives, He keeps no record. Behind our names, God simply records - Righteous. That, everyone, is the purpose of life. To work with every decision and action in good conscience towards righteousness. In every moment of consternation, check simply that it follows that goal, and you will lead a valuable, purposeful life.

If there is one single thing to be thankful for this holiday season, my friends and loved ones, let us be thankful for that. Though we can never fully comprehend the sacrifice that bought us this most beautiful gift, let's bow heads and try, and feel in our hearts its magnificence and beauty.

God bless, Happy Thanksgiving
Meg

My daydream

I'm not really much of a singer. Er, well... I'm not really much of a good singer, but I love singing. Singing for me is a way to get my heart involved in what I'm expressing to the world. It's a way to say things that the vocabulary of speech just can't amount to. Singing celebrates my happiness, it works through my troubles, it expresses my love. Singing shuts up my brain and lets my heart do the talking. Why am I telling you I love to do something I'm terrible at? I've got a lot of amazing, amazing people in my life. People that have helped me grow, whether they have any idea about it or not. People that have said the absolutely right thing at the right time to change my life. Who give me the exact smile, or hand shake or polite gaze that gives me the strength I need to renew my heart, to strengthen my walk, to find the next step. People whose example means more than 1,000 words. There are people around me who I could never in a life time repay for their gifts, time and love. How do I say thank you? How do I say, you've meant the world to me, and changed it for the better? How do I say, I want to celebrate the most wonderful thing in the universe with you, from the depths of my heart?

I'm sure it varies from person to person. I know people that could probably look you in the eye, tell you those things, and you'd feel it. There are people who could bake you something, write you something, or play an instrument and somehow you'd just know "They mean that". It's how people show love and it's one of those things that when it happens, it's so good.

For me personally, to sing for someone is to show them love. To join in a song of praise is to unite both people in God's name and rejoice together. You might expect this from a born American Idol, of course they'd share their emotions with the world via their great gift, but for me, a person who, well, just can't sing, it means admitting vulnerability, admitting imperfection, admitting deficiency and declaring: I don't care, it doesn't matter, I'm one with you and I want to celebrate the most wonderful thing in the world with you, in one of the most wonderful ways I can think of - in song. Hymns are when I hear God loudest; they're when I see Him gathered in the hearts of every person in the room and when I feel Him alive in mine. Honest. Unguarded. Sincere. I know from experience that in trying to say in words the extreme, gracious, profound things I'm talking about expressing, my heart ruptures and the emotions I'm trying to convey get stuck in my narrow throat, whether I'm sharing my feelings about an individual, or celebrating the grace of God. Somehow, though, the beauty of singing combined with the strength I need personally to share my song captures the nature of these emotions and helps me release them.

So, I day dream about singing. Every time I feel such an overwhelming feeling that I want to express and just can't find a way, I think yes, that's how I'll do it. And because it's so from the heart, because it's so honest, so true, I know it'll express those things within me that I just can't find a way to get out. It'll release that love in my heart that's caged up by my body. It will get past my throat because it'll be so genuine that it flows from my whole being.

......Hey, it's a day dream, I'm allowed to get carried away.

But it's how I feel. It's how I handle the recurring intense desire to cry out in happiness. By thinking about what song I want to share with someone, and what song I want to sing for God.

From Psalm 100:
² Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.

⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.

Time to publish

Well readers, this isn't obvious to you but I've been preparing this blog for a few weeks now, collecting ideas for the first posts, writing and rewriting, checking, fixing. Over numerous reads and rereads I've removed almost all fluff and left just the concentrated facts. I hope those don't overwhelm you, or maybe I do. How about this: I hope they move you. Continuing on, I guess I've been waiting for the final nudge, whatever it may be, I needed to open up this blog for you to read it. I believe that nudge came today.

The post before this I finished just this morning, that is, the part about struggling to really hand myself over completely and how I had spells where I thought Jesus was too beautiful to be tainted by someone like me. In thoughts like that, I was actually undermining the beauty of Jesus, I was challenging the Grace of God. I was saying the Gospel wasn't enough. And I thought those things, because although I had begun to turn myself to God, I had not yet completely. I was asking for all of Christ, but holding back pieces of myself. In finding the strength to surrender all, I know that I in my entirety am Loved by God and saved through Christ.

Well, I reflected on that this morning and then headed off to church. The topic? Believing that Love wins, that Jesus saves, and these verses:

^{II Corinthians:
15} And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
²¹ God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

I am saved through Christ. I must no longer let the burnt trees standing in my yard force me to view myself differently from how God views me. The burnt embers of my past have been washed away. They are not swept into a closet, they are not set aside to be remembered later. In God's eyes they do not exist and so must I also see myself, as God sees me - made pure and new so that I might go forth in life as His servant, as His ambassador on Earth, and share His message with you, and hopefully many.

God is Good, people. God is Great! I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here, and I'm just so moved every day that I can't help but reach out and spread the good news I have heard.
God bless!

Quick review

So, let's recap. I always thought I'd accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Sometimes I went to church more, sometimes less, but I thought I was sure about God, His presence, His creation.

Today, I know I had never before accepted Christ, because today I know what it means, what it feels like and how it affects you, to accept Him. Your whole life, your whole physical, emotional and spiritual being is taken over and transformed. You see Him in every moment and event.

Most acutely, you are informed of the meaning of life:
To serve Him.
To search for Him, follow Him, and serve Him. So extremely does this purpose seem obvious, necessary, and undeniable that to fathom ever not knowing it or recognizing it seems impossible. Jesus has and will exist for all eternity. He was before and will be after me. It is almost beyond comprehension that I could have existed at one point without realizing this. But I believe that is what Christ does. He transforms us and saves us. What we did before we knew Him is forgiven simply by accepting and following Him. He loves us beyond human comprehension so much so that He forgives and helps us forgive ourselves. He transforms us so that we know Him and only Him, and it is so beautiful, the thought of ever not knowing Him seems far away like a bad dream you awoke from before finishing.

It wasn't always like that for me. At first I struggled. I really struggled to give myself to Christ. Because I couldn't accept and forgive myself, I held back from Him. If only I had given up every bit of me, He would have given me the strength. Eventually, after tears and more of God's careful tools working to tediously uncurl each finger from around my shame and excuses I released my heart completely to Christ and immediately I was changed.
-->Let me explain a little further just what I mean by changed. I mean that pictures of me before knowing Him, don't seem like me. Memories before Him seem faded and out of place. I'm confused by this past that seems so lost and forsaken because it lacked Him. All of that is taken from me in Christ. Nothing that was before Him matters and from here on out, I have eternity to serve and worship Him. He will forgive me my early years on Earth in return for eternity, if I will just take the step and give myself over.

Eternity.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9